Arsenal sputtering? There’s a joke for that

“What’s the difference between Arsenal and a book? A book has a title.”

Sure, go ahead and laugh. Everyone’s having a bit of fun — even Arsenal fans, albeit in a morbid sense. But let’s none of us quit our day jobs, especially when the jokes write themselves.

Like the one last weekend, when the Gunners lost 2-1 at home to Bournemouth. Although, with The Cherries in 13th place prior to kickoff, it seemed inevitable that the host’s luck was about to run out.

Only, luck had little to do with what happened at Emirates Stadium (which is apparently the ideal landing spot for aliens, as it has no atmosphere). Nor was Bournemouth, despite its victory, the protagonist of the story.

Yet again, as it’s done so often since last winning the Premier League in 2004 (before its fans could post their delight on Instagram, which didn’t exist), Arsenal lost a match it expected to win, and with it the momentum of the title race, which it has led uninterrupted since October.

There’s another bit of humour on the internet — which isn’t a safe space for the club’s supporters right now — that has Arsenal completing an unprecedented quadruple of 2nd place finishes in 2022-23, 2023-24, 2024-25 and this season: 2025-26.

But wait, it hasn’t fallen to second just yet and could still wind up atop the standings. Okay, we concede the point.

Just like Arsenal.

See, they write themselves.

“Late last month, a man stopped by an Islington restaurant where the customers, in their Arsenal shirts, were drinking their tea from their saucers. When he asked what was going on, one of the patrons, tearing up, replied, ‘Manchester City has taken away our cup.’”

This incident-that-never-happened no doubt happened in the wake of City’s 2-0 defeat of Arsenal in the Carabao Cup final on March 22.

Going into the Wembley showpiece, the Gunners were eyeing a quad — an actual one — of Premier League, league cup, FA Cup and Champions League. The meek display that followed reduced those hopes to a treble, which was itself reduced to a double when second-tier Southampton prevailed in the quarterfinal of the FA Cup.

Now the double is in jeopardy, and — putting aside the Champions League, which remains an open question — it’s once again Manchester City that could snatch yet another trophy from Arsenal’s grasp.

On Sunday the two sides, the top two, will go head-to-head in what has every appearance of being a title-decider at Emirates Stadium (10:30 a.m. FuboTV).

City striker Erling Haaland, speaking pre-match with Sky Sports, observed quite rightly that the contest will be “like a final.” Taken out of context, his comment almost reads like a wisecrack, a poke to an opponent that wilts at the decisive moment. He probably didn’t mean it that way — probably — but then everyone else is getting their jabs in.

“It’s a massive game,” he added. “It’s probably the biggest and the best game there will be.”

Erling, stop it!

The Norwegian, like many of his teammates, has a couple of Premier League winner’s medals and knows exactly what it takes to succeed, to hold your nerve, when the games mean more and the stakes get high. The day after Arsenal lost to Bournemouth, City walloped Chelsea 3-0 and pulled to within six points of the league leaders.

Typically, a six-point gap in the third week of April would be sufficient to consider the title race done and dusted. But this is no ordinary six-point gap.

Manchester City has a game in hand and will play it against Crystal Palace late next month. Three of its final four matches will be at home. Three of Arsenal’s last four will take place on the road.

By winning this weekend, City would cut those six points to three, and bite into — or erase — Arsenal’s superior goal difference, which is also just three. The Gunners would also lose twice in a row for the first time this season.

“How are Arsenal and a roller-coaster alike? Both go to the top before speeding down.”

Needless to say, Arsenal finds none of this funny.

In his pre-match press conference, Gunners midfielder Declan Rice did his best to sound at once reflective and confident, remarking that games like Sunday’s are the kind you dreamed about playing and that he and his teammates were ready to make a “massive statement” at the Etihad.

“No one’s going to hand you anything in this league,” he said. “It comes down to if you’re going to be ready and how much do you want it.”

Truer words, Declan; truer words.

Manager Mikel Areta, meanwhile, has praised his team’s “mentality” and “the way the players have stepped up in this moment.”

There’s little he can say in advance of a put-up-or-shut-up occasion, and one that will largely define his tenure, that will reduce the obvious tension. But going full Arsene Wenger in his depth of denial? It might be funny if it wasn’t so troubling.

And yet, Sunday will present Arsenal a chance to put this comedy to bed, to end the teasing once and for all.

As City boss Pep Guardiola stated Friday, “If we lose, it’s over.” He said in words what his opponents feel in their stomachs.

Now we’ll see if they can gut it out.

Pun intended.

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