Blast off to the big screen

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This article was published 15/10/2016 (3305 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

If you’re doing long-term vacation planning, you might want to consider taking a holiday on Mars.

The possibility of an out-of-this-world visit to the so-called red planet came closer to reality this week when U.S. President Barack Obama vowed to help send people to Mars within the next 15 years.

The two-term president, who leaves office in January, pledged to work with private companies “to build new habitats that can sustain and transport astronauts on long-duration missions in deep space.”

Here’s what Obama wrote in an opinion piece for CNN posted to its website: “We have set a clear goal vital to the next chapter of America’s story in space: sending humans to Mars by the 2030s and returning them safely to Earth, with the ultimate ambition to one day remain there for an extended time.”

A self-described “nerd,” Obama has made known his love affair with all things space. He said it will require years of patience to send humans to Mars, which is about 56 million kilometres from Earth at its closest point in orbit.

The outgoing president isn’t the only person on Earth with his eyes on the stars. Last month, SpaceX founder Elon Musk outlined an ambitious plan to get humans to Mars within the next decade.

So we may be visiting the fourth rock from the sun sooner than we think. For now, however, would-be space tourists will have to get their thrills from Hollywood and blast off with a little help from our list of the Top Five Mars Movies of All Time:

 

5) The movie: Mars Needs Moms (2011)

https://youtu.be/_aS5W___Ezk

The mayhem: This motion-capture, computer-animated sci-fi comedy chronicles the wild adventures of Milo, a nine-year-old boy who is sick and tired of his mother bugging him to do his chores, so he angrily tells her his life would be better without her, which, naturally, breaks Mom’s heart. When Milo goes to apologize later that night, he discovers his mom being abducted by Martians who need her to help raise their own young, which they plan to do by extracting her “momness” and implanting it into the next generation of nannybots. So Milo stows away on their spaceship and launches a daring rescue, wherein he escapes from an underground cell, is chased by Martian guards and ends up in a trash-covered subterranean level of the red planet inhabited by furry creatures and a childlike human named Gribble, whose mom was kidnapped 25 years earlier. In the end, Milo and his mom steal oxygen helmets and escape back to Earth while the Martians learn the important lesson that children are meant to be raised in families with love. Sounds logical to us.

The mavens: Critics were less than kind to this Robert Zemeckis-produced disaster. Chirped one voice on the review site Rotten Tomatoes: “Children are unlikely to enjoy it, and parents will be aching for a few stiff drinks in a Mars bar long before it’s over.”

The message: You really should appreciate your mom a whole lot more. Also, if you go to Mars, be prepared to lose a lot of cash, because this flick is one of the biggest box-office bombs of all time. CheatSheet.com rates it as the No. 4 biggest film flop ever, with estimated losses of about US$137 million.

 

4) The movie: John Carter (2012)

The mayhem: It gets a bit complicated, but basically this space opera is a sweeping action-adventure epic following the adventures of John Carter, a former American Civil War Confederate Army captain who wanders into a cave and — BLAMMO! — inexplicably gets transported to the mysterious and exotic planet of Barsoom, which is what the local inhabitants call Mars. The fun part, thanks to the fact Mars has far less gravity — you would weigh 62 per cent less on Mars than on Earth — is our war-weary hero is transformed into the ultimate badass, blessed with super-strength and the ability to jump ridiculously high, which comes in handy when you are forced to fight nasty aliens. Played by hunky Canadian actor Taylor Kitsch, Carter quickly discovers his new world is on the brink of collapse and becomes embroiled in an epic conflict among local inhabitants. Amid expensive special effects, Carter is captured by the Tharks, a clan of 12-foot-tall, four-armed green Martians who are at war with the evil human red Martians led by the villainous Sab Than. Fortunately, our hero falls in love with the beautiful princess Dejah Thoris and rediscovers his humanity when he realizes the survival of Barsoom and its people rests in his hands.

The mavens: A lot of critics really hated this 2012 film version of Edgar Rice Burroughs’ novel, A Princess of Mars. Snorted one voice on Rotten Tomatoes: “They should have just let their freak flag fly and said, ‘To hell with it, here’s 100 minutes of John Carter punching aliens.’ The Toronto Sun’s Steve Tilley was gentler, saying it “was actually not bad at all” and “kind of like Tarzan meets Star Wars.”

The message: You would be Superman on Mars and probably meet a sexy princess, but don’t forget your Visa card because this flick was a catastrophic flop. CheatSheet.com rates it as the No. 8 box-office bomb of all time, with a bloated budget of US$264 million and losses of roughly US$125 million.

 

3) The movie: Santa Claus Conquers the Martians (1964)

The mayhem: This B-movie has two main claims to fame, namely: 

1) It’s widely considered one of the worst films ever made; and 

2) It marks the film debut of a then-eight-year-old Pia Zadora, who played a Martian child and went on to become one of the worst-reviewed actresses in film history. In a cosmic nutshell, the people of Mars are worried their kids are watching too much Earth television and are growing distracted because of their society’s overly rigid structure. So the Martian ruler, Kimar, hits on a genius plan to make the kids a little more peppy — he orders the kidnapping of Santa Claus because there is no one on Mars to give their kids presents. Tragically, the Martians can’t distinguish between all the fake Santas on Earth, so they kidnap two children to find the real one. With Santa in the bag, a bad Martian, Voldar, tries to kill Santa and the kidnapped kids because he thinks the Jolly Old Elf is corrupting the children of Mars. On Mars, Santa and the kids build a toy factory, which is sabotaged by Voldar and his cronies. In the end, the magic of Christmas saves the day, and Santa finds a suitable Martian version of himself, and he and the kids go back to Earth. Best of all, the movie posters chirp it’s all filmed in “Space-Blazing” colour.

The mavens: You will not be surprised to hear this flick appears on almost every online list of the worst movies ever made. Gushes one voice on Rotten Tomatoes: “This is, without exaggeration, one of the single worst films ever made, which hasn’t prevented it from becoming a classic.” Sniffs another: “Four stars for bad-movie buffs, one star for the rest of humanity.” On the upside, it enjoyed new-found fame after being featured on the snarky comedy series Mystery Science Theater 3000.

The message: You had better be good for goodness sake, unless you are appearing in this atrociously bad movie. Also, Santa knows where you live, even if it’s millions of miles away in outer space.

 

2) The movie: Total Recall (1990)

The mayhem: Forget the lame 2012 remake, what we’re talking about here is the classic 1990 version starring Arnold Schwarzenegger in arguably his best performance ever. Arnold portrays a bored construction worker, Douglas Quaid, who, in the year 2084, dreams of visiting the colonized Mars. So Quaid visits a company that implants false memories of vacations into people’s brains in order to experience the thrill of Mars without having to travel there. But something goes wrong, and Quaid recovers the memory of being a secret agent named Carl Hauser and finds his entire life is a false memory, and the people who implanted it in his head now want him dead. Naturally, he has to go to Mars to sort things out, especially after the woman he thought was his wife tries to kill him. On Mars, he gets caught up in a revolutionary war between the evil governor and a group of rebels. There’s also a mystery involving a gigantic reactor apparently built by aliens on Mars a million years ago that has been uncovered during mining operations. It turns out the reactor creates a breathable atmosphere when activated, thereby eliminating the evil governor’s monopoly on breathable air. Toss in some wall-to-wall violence, nifty special effects that totally ignore real-world science and a three-breasted Martian stripper and you have a roller-coaster ride that still delights sci-fi fans today.

The mavens: Critics adored this film, especially Schwarzenegger’s performance in a role that was originally supposed to have been a schlubby office drone dreaming of an exciting life. Gushed the late Roger Ebert: “He could have stalked and glowered through this movie and become a figure of fun, but instead, by allowing himself to seem confused and vulnerable, he provides a sympathetic centre for all of the high-tech spectacle.”

The message: If you go to Mars, you’ll be back! No, wait, sorry, that was The Terminator. Never mind.

 

1) The movie: The Martian (2015)

The mayhem: Unlike every other Mars movie ever made, this blockbuster relied on exhaustive attention to real-world science to entertain viewers. The story follows astronaut and botanist Mark Watney, portrayed by Matt Damon, and his remarkable struggle to survive on the red planet after he is left behind by his crew because they believe he died in a fierce sandstorm. With only meager supplies, the brainy botanist must draw upon his wit and spirit — but mostly his brains — to survive on the hostile planet and find a way to signal to Earth he is still alive. Millions of miles away, the world is riveted by Watney’s plight, and NASA and a team of international scientists work tirelessly to bring “the Martian” safely home, while his guilt-ridden crewmates plot a daring rescue mission. Stranded in the “Hab,” the mission’s base on Mars, the marooned scientist realizes his only hope is the planned arrival of another mission 3,200 kilometres away in four years. What’s a guy gonna do when he’s stranded on Mars all alone? Curses Watney in the movie’s most memorable line: “In the face of overwhelming odds, I’m left with only one option — I’m gonna have to science the s— out of this!” And that’s exactly what he does. He improvises a farm inside the habitat, with Martian soil fertilized by human waste, water produced by extracting oxygen from leftover rocket fuel and potatoes saved for a Thanksgiving meal. Does he get home? Use your brains, and watch the movie.

The mavens: Critics and geeks ate up this faithful adaptation of Andy Weir’s 2011 novel. “I have no idea if the science in The Martian is accurate,” confessed one Rotten Tomatoes reviewer. “It sure felt accurate, which is all that matters in a way. On top of being wildly entertaining, the film is about using your wits to overcome seemingly insurmountable odds.”

The message: Whether you’re on Mars or Earth, be cool and stay in school! Also, if you go to Mars and run into Santa Claus, tell him we could really use a new wide-screen TV.

 doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca