Bar might not want you back after fight in washroom

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This article was published 03/04/2016 (3516 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I got into a drunk fist and slap fight with my best friend and we ended up in the can, and I was trying to flush her head down the toilet. Her 300 pound male friend pulled me off and tried to bash my head against the wall. I managed to wiggle my way out of there and run to the car. Today I got a text message from some name I don’t recognize saying the security at that hotel wanted me to know I was “Not welcome back ever.” Should I believe that or not? That is my hangout as much as it is my (no longer) best friend’s. That ho probably made it up, and got a friend to pass it on. What do you think?

— Nobody’s Damn Fool, Winnipeg

Dear Nobody’s Fool: You were a fool to start beating on a friend in the first place. In kindergarten, they teach kids, “Use your words.” In your case, the words are rude and inflammatory, but they’re still much safer than using your fists, which can get you charged with assault. If you want to know where the “banned” message originated, phone up the hotel and ask if anyone in security at the hotel sent a message about an incident in the ladies washroom, and any banning.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is in response to Honest Woman, who used to steal but stopped long ago. She confessed it to her new man who didn’t trust her anymore. I think she should have kept the truth to herself, or at least should have waited to see if the guy was understanding enough to embrace her past. Sometimes, it is best to keep the truth deep inside rather than confide in someone because not everyone is mature enough to understand the circumstances as much as you do.

— When To Tell The Truth? Manitoba

Dear When To Tell: I agree not every difficult truth needs to be spoken, especially not in the beginning with a new love interest. It takes time to learn if you can trust your deepest truths with this new person. People who have done dishonest things when they were younger, but are afraid to speak about them now are not necessarily untrustworthy people. And, people who have had bad things happen to them (such as abuse) aren’t honour bound to spill everything to a new person.

If this woman had confessed about the youthful shoplifting to a man who cared deeply for her and wouldn’t turn on her, it would have gone better. But some people want to do the 100 per cent trade-confessions bit right off the top, which can scare off a person who may have been an understanding partner if the confessions came later as the relationship progressed.

In writing this column, I have received letters about intensely personal stories about people’s pasts. They were not meant to be published; the people just needed to vent. I also don’t publish many of them for fear of who will read it, what age, what level of maturity and what some nasty people might pick up as ideas to hurt someone else. And over the years, I have had friends confess to me about serious trouble they got into when they were younger, and in several cases, went to jail for. Would we have been friends if they had told me right off the hop? I’m not sure.

In getting to know one’s new partner, I sometimes counsel people not to tell all their secrets right away. In cases of abuse, I warn them not to reveal what they have endured at the hands of another, begging the new person: “Promise me you’ll never do that.” That is a green light for a potential abuser. They can pretend to be nice at the start, knowing very well this is what this person will put up with later.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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