Ultimatum pits loving wife against fun mom

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This article was published 08/04/2016 (3831 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother is tons of fun and I like to spend time with her. My wife is beautiful, kind, sexy and cooks like a pro, but lacks my family’s sense of humour. We’ve been married since last summer and she doesn’t enjoy the jokes, the improv scenes with silly accents, the card games and the drinks after dinner when we play games. She pretended to, before we got married. Last night a big red line was crossed. My wife said she “wouldn’t allow” me to go to my mom’s house for a visit more than once a week. I looked at her and said something rude. I will not have anybody dictate to me.

She said this marriage wasn’t anything like she thought it would be — I’m not romantic anymore, we don’t go to dinners and concerts anymore and never see her friends. She says my mother is my social life, and wondered if that made her just the “babymaker.” I was mad enough I said, “Yes. I guess so, if you don’t have any friends to hang out with anymore. Why is it only me you see now we’re married?”

I added her in to my already happy life. I didn’t get rid of my family and social life. She’s beautiful, but she’s hardly a riot. My mom’s house, which is only a few blocks away, is always full of people coming in and out — neighbours, friends and family. My wife says she doesn’t enjoy these people. And this ultimatum? Ha! I’m standing at the crossroads. What am I supposed to do?

— Family Or Her? Winnipeg

Dear Family Or Her?: The wedding distraction is over, and now you must work out a living-together lifestyle, and that takes a conscious plan. Because you’re both angry, a relationship counsellor would be a big help in finding workable compromises. But, if this woman is not a match for family-oriented you, then you may find this marriage is too lonely for your wife and too constricting for you. Then you have a decision to make before there are any babies.

And why did you stop going out for dinner and concerts? You have changed — you’re not dating her anymore and doing things on your own together. Thats a big mistake, but one that can be fixed easily.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is a message for Unsure and Nervous, who is wondering if her biological father is the gardener. By all means, get to the bottom of this and find out if he is your father. I was in the same boat as you are. I’m 82 now, and my older sister had told me who my father really was, but in those days our family never spoke about things like that. I had my mother’s husband’s name.

You’re only 22, and you still have many goods years to share with your biological father. Find out and you will never be sorry. I wish I had. I feel like I have missed something in life. Good Luck!

— Too Late Now, Winnipeg

Dear Too Late Now: There’s much to be learned from one’s biological father. You can find out more about your family inheritance in terms of DNA, medical history and family history. You may meet some of your biological relatives, like your grandmother. You may meet family who look like you or carry the bright red hair. These “new” relatives may or may not be friendly, but it’s worth trying. In the city, you can be subtle. If you live in a small town where people probably knew or guessed the relationship that created you, it’s more difficult. But people really don’t care about this stuff as much as they did in the old days.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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