Encounter with ex leads to feelings of regret

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 22/04/2016 (3497 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just finished crying my heart out in the car — I’m so angry with myself. I rejected the love of my life in my early 20s because I already had a degree and he was still slinging hamburgers and fries. I thought he could never make a good husband to me, be a father or have any money. I married a career man who was good on paper, and we had a house and three kids before we were both 30. I also had a career I dabbled in. I was very proud of our status.

I never had my first sweet love again, though. My husband was not the loving man my boyfriend was — he was always working and thinking about money. He didn’t smile much or have the energy to play with the kids.

Today I ran into my former love in a mall. He had a little boy with him in a stroller and another one holding holding his hand. They all looked at me with those same soft, brown eyes. Tears formed in my eyes, and all I could do was blurt out, “I’m so sorry I sent you away.” He told me not to be sorry and used an old pet name for me. He said he was happy, married to a wonderful woman and eventually went back to school. Everything worked out for him.

Just then his wife came over and touched his arm. I just shook my head, as I blinked away the tears. I couldn’t speak to her, and I literally ran away. When I looked at him, I knew I was still so in love with him!

I got exactly what I asked for when I was too young to know what was really valuable. A man like that could easily get another woman because he was so loving and wonderful to be around.

I found myself a practical man who makes lots of money — big deal about the money. (I could support all of us, if it came to that.) Please pass this on to young people who might be stupid and greedy like me, valuing the wrong kind of “success” and rejecting the best person for their heart.

— Out in the Cold, St. Vital

Dear Out in the Cold: Have you shown this old softer side to your husband? Maybe you could change who you are back to the young woman deep within who hadn’t reached the seriously ambitious stage yet. If one person changes in a couple, it’s hard for the other person to keep playing the counterpart role. It can become an opportunity for a whole new dance.

How about treating your well-heeled, driven husband with more warmth and fun so he can feel free to let go and enjoy his life more? You can bet he knew what was expected of him in the beginning, and he probably enjoyed being able to give what you wanted, unlike your first love. But the joy of winning that competition fades.

Ask your husband about his dreams throughout this life, when he was little, as a half-grown boy, a teenager and as a young man. Encourage him to go after those things he left behind and participate in things he’s interested in, but hasn’t taken the time to pursue while he supported you and the children.

Show him more love and appreciation, and it may just come back to you in the same way. It’s really worth trying. Start by thanking him for all his hard work for the family and tell him you want to see him enjoy himself and have more fun now, and you’ll pick up the money-making on your side. He’ll think you’ve gone nuts at first. Just keep it up anyway!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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