Kelly offends, entertains

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 16/07/2009 (5930 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Hey, kids, what do you call it in Bomberville when the team is accused of bending the rules, the league reprimands the club, a franchise representative is forced to explain the misdeed to the press and the head coach storms out of a testy media scrum?

Don’t know the answer?

It’s called "Wednesday."

Seriously, I’d love to go out to the barn, put the saddle on my high horse, and rap the Bombers for the embarrassing nature of an incident where A Man Not Called Intrepid was caught blue and gold-handed spying on this weekend’s opponent, the Hamilton Tiger-Cats.

Of course, this is especially blushing for an organization that has been so paranoid about restricting filming of their own practices by the big, bad media. So it would be too easy to work the word "hypocritical" into about any response to this ill-conceived skulduggery.

But what’s the point? Come on, is this really a scandal worthy of the tired "Gate" suffix? Some part-time scout, just trying to make his way in this crazy world, getting made while scribbling Tiger-Cats formations during a workout?

Now first of all, we’re not exactly certain about the veracity of information gleaned by an operative with the black ops skills of Amy Winehouse on a tequila bender. No offence.

I mean, the guy was spotted by Tiger-Cats assistant coach Danny McManus, who just happened to spend the previous week in the press box with the same fellow — WHO WAS WEARING BOMBERS GEAR AT THE TIME!

Yeesch. If this dude was spy during the Cold War we’d all be speaking Russian. Might as well have sent Buzz and Boomer with a video camera and have Dancin’ Gabe texting pictures. That might have been a little less conspicuous, Mr. Bond.

So get all high-falutin’ if you please, but we’ll pass. Comedy is not something to get upset about.

Naturally, the league issued a release to officially admonish the Bombers. (We think the head office has just duplicated a bunch of copies of the first one and have commish Mark Cohon initial one a week. You know, to save time.) And then the Bombers, to their credit, sent out director of football operations Ross Hodgkinson to come clean on the scout’s overzealous ineptitude.

Drama over, right?

Ha, ha. You must be new here, son.

Because on cue out comes Mike Kelly for his daily media tête-à-tête, which of course was well-attended given the latest controversy de jour on Maroons Road.

The head coach muttered about the turnout — something about how the press is only out in full force when scandal is afoot — and promptly issued notice that he would not address any questions about the nefarious matter.

"Non-issue. It’s handled internally. I’m not talking about it," Kelly stated.

Naturally, every question after that was — ta-da — about (sigh, OK we’ll say it) Spygate.

"None issue. Handled internally. I’m not talkin’ about it," Kelly said. "Now what don’t we understand about that? Next question."

Sure, next question. No problem, coach. So what about Spygate? (Or something like that.)

"Did you not listen to anything I say?" Kelly fumed. "Do we all understand each other? Next question."

Again, I’d like to build up a genuine froth. You know, chide Kelly for being petulant and difficult. Get all offended about the brisk dismissal of a damaging hit on the venerable organization. But first I’d have to stop laughing.

Because, honestly, it should be obvious to — well, even that Bombers sleuth in Hamilton — that Kelly eats this drama up. How many mountains out of molehills will the head coach have to construct before it’s readily apparent Kelly feeds off of calamity, real or imagined?

Look, maybe it’s designed to take the spotlight off a work-in-progress outfit that has seen it’s head coach drain almost every drop of attention away from their industry. It’s as though the players themselves are an afterthought and Kelly is the headliner — taking all the heat and the adoration. And that’s a good thing, actually, whether intentional or not.

Because while the cameras focus on Kelly, his newly acquainted charges merrily continue to prepare for a rather consequential dust-up with the aforementioned Tiger-Cats on Saturday.

Or maybe it’s just Mike being Mike. And that’s fine, too, as long as the Bombers win.

In the words of a got-nothin’-to-say head coach, "Now what don’t we understand about that?" Me? Hey, man, I’m just here for the show.

What time does "Thursday" start?

randy.turner@freepress.mb.ca

Randy Turner
Reporter

Randy Turner spent much of his journalistic career on the road. A lot of roads. Dirt roads, snow-packed roads, U.S. interstates and foreign highways. In other words, he got a lot of kilometres on the odometer, if you know what we mean.

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