A simple matter of etiquette and arachnids

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This article was published 18/05/2019 (2633 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

It’s time for another instalment of Canada’s favourite etiquette column, Mr. Politeness Person, the only newspaper feature authorized by the federal government to tell you when you have a piece of lettuce stuck between your teeth.

 

Today, with your kind permission, we will deal with serious etiquette questions sent in by fictional readers, and Mr. Politeness Person will attempt to provide urbane answers via the always courteous question-and-answer format:

Q: My mother-in-law is a (bad word) monster. Nothing I do is good enough for this woman, and her constant nagging is driving me insane. Do you have any helpful suggestions for getting her off my (another bad word) back?

A: Yes, I would strongly recommend getting a tarantula.

 

Q: You mean one of those venomous spiders the size of a canned ham with eight long, hairy legs?

A: Yes.

 

Q: OK, do you mind if I ask why I should get a tarantula?

A: No problem. That polite recommendation is based on an unnamed user of the social media forum Reddit who has been making headlines around the world because his mother-in-law was making his life miserable — at least she was until he decided to buy a tarantula as a pet.

 

Q: So, the tarantula killed his mother-in-law?

A: Ha ha! No. Here’s what this poor guy posted about his in-laws on Reddit: “Privacy means nothing to them, and my wife refuses to set boundaries. They will come around every day unannounced to visit my wife/play with our kids. So not only do I never get a break from my mother-in-law’s constant nagging, I have no privacy from them.”

 

Q: That’s my problem exactly. So where does the tarantula come in?

A: Allow me to explain. Or rather the guy on Reddit: “Anyway, mother-in-law is arachnophobic. A few months ago she went crazy after a wolf spider was simply in the corner doing nothing. Panic attack and all. So I got the idea to get a tarantula as a way to prevent her coming so often. It’s in a big enclosure in the living room. Asked wife beforehand if it’s OK, but didn’t tell her the motivation.”

 

Q: Uh huh. And that’s when the tarantula killed his mother-in-law?

A: Ha ha! No. Here’s what he says happened: “Worked like a charm, the dad still comes but the mother can’t stand to be in the same house as it. I don’t think I had a choice. Plus the tarantula makes a cool pet.”

 

Q: So this would be an excellent and gallant method for me to keep my mother-in-law out of my house without having to resort to bad manners?

A: Exactly my point. Also, there are other benefits to owning a tarantula the size of a regulation volleyball.

 

Q: And what might those benefits include, Mr. Politeness Person?

A: For starters, tarantulas are delicious and make an excellent burger topping.

 

Q: ???

A: Seriously. According to online news reports, a North Carolina restaurant called Bull City Burger and Brewery has been hosting “Exotic Meat Month” and one of the highlights is their “Tarantula Burger,” which is a char-grilled tarantula on top of a beef patty.

 

Q: I think I’m going to be sick.

A: The restaurant owner told Reuters he only gets 15 of the farm-raised tarantulas each year, so if you want to chow down on something that has more legs than the outfield on a baseball team, you have to come in and fill out a lottery ticket.

 

Q: That’s disgusting, Mr. Politeness Person.

A: Maybe so, but if you eat the whole thing, you get a limited-edition “Tarantula Challenge” T-shirt. So, it’s got that going for it.

 

Q: You seem to know an awful lot about tarantulas for an expert on good manners.

A: That’s because a few years ago, I had one of them crawling on my head.

 

Q: Your head?

A: Well, technically, it was my face. I visited the Red River Ex with a bunch of media people to test out the new rides, but first, they made us sit through a show called Venom, which featured some of the most poisonous creatures on the planet. One of the handlers brought out a tarantula the size of a Sunday roast and asked if anyone wanted to hold it, which is when a Free Press photographer shouted: “COULD YOU PUT IT ON TOP OF HIS HEAD?”

 

Q: Tell me you didn’t…

A: What happened was I had to lie on the floor, with my eyes glued shut, while the arachnid expert plopped the spider on my face and said: “It’s going to feel a little prickly, but DON’T WORRY! There’s never been a documented case of a tarantula killing a person, except in TV and the movies, where tarantulas grow to the size of cars.”

 

Q: And that’s when the tarantula killed your mother-in-law?

A: No! What happened is it walked around my forehead while I prayed someone would drop a set of the Encyclopedia Britannica on my face. In the end, the photographer took a bunch of creepy photos and I survived.

 

Q: So, what do you do if you find a spider in your bathroom at home?

A: I ask my wife to squish it.

 

Q: That doesn’t seem very polite.

A: I always say “please” first. By the way, you’ve got something stuck between your teeth. 

 

doug.speirs@freepress.mb.ca