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Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/07/2009 (5923 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Panic button, meet fist.

This just in… the Winnipeg Blue Bombers offence is in a pile of hurt. Check that, it’s much worse than that. Right now they are being wheeled into the intensive-care unit with no pulse and are spurting blood from a handful of major arteries. They aren’t officially comatose yet — hey, it’s still only July — but the next of kin is bedside and feverishly working over the rosary beads.

Hey, Bomber fans… having fun yet?

It’s not official until 79 years of archives are dusted off by the historians, but we’ll hazard a guess that the offensive ineptitude in Friday night’s 19-5 loss to the Toronto Argonauts in front of 28,466 frustrated faithful at Canad Inns Stadium set a new standard for futility.

A late fourth-quarter penalty-aided drive by third-string quarterback Richie Williams helped boost the offensive totals a wee bit, but they are still so grotesque the folks at CSI would be reaching for the barf bag while conducting the autopsy on this one.

Among the gory details:

"ö Winnipeg had 48 yards of total offence, one — O-N-E — first down in the first half and eight in total.

"ö Starting QB Stefan LeFors was seven of 11 for 30 yards and intercepted once before being replaced at halftime, bringing his two-game passing-yardage totals to 129 yards.

"ö Second-stringer Bryan Randall was one of five for six yards and an interception.

"ö The Bombers have not scored an offensive touchdown since the fourth quarter of the Week 2 win over the Calgary Stampeders, a stretch of 144 minutes and 19 seconds;

"ö The offence finished with a total offence of 123 yards, just more than one full length of the field.

"ö Winnipeg managed just 66 yards passing — almost half of what they managed a week ago in a loss to the Hamilton Tiger-Cats that set off alarm bells.

We could proceed, but the Geneva Convention prevents us from further torturing readers…

"Obviously, Stevie Wonder could see that was a putrid, offensive display," said head coach Mike Kelly.

"We don’t have anybody making plays. I mean, the bottom line is at some point the players have to make plays. We certainly tried to address as many factors as we can, but we just didn’t make any plays tonight.

"We’ll give (defensive end) Gavin Walls offensive player of the week for his fake punt (in the fourth, for a first down). We didn’t catch the ball, we didn’t run the ball, we certainly didn’t throw the ball. We’ll just have to go and watch the film and see what happens."

Asked afterward about his QB situation — all three struggled — Kelly said: "You watched all three of them play tonight… does anybody have any suggestions for me?"

"Everything went wrong," LeFors said. "We couldn’t do anything. We got destroyed out there. I’ll have to watch the film. I don’t know what to say. The coach felt we needed a change for a spurt. I’m for this team. Whatever the coach thinks is best for the team, I’m completely behind him."

The offensive woes again spoiled a valiant effort by the Bomber defence, a group that was seemingly on the field forever as the Bomber attack mastered the two-and-out possession. Winnipeg’s defensive dozen limited the Argos — minus their two top receivers in Arland Bruce III and Andre Talbot — to just 244 yards while registering four sacks and forcing three turnovers.

Among the men who should take a bow for their valour in the massacre are linebacker Barrin Simpson who set a new club record with 14 tackles (breaking the old mark shared by Greg Battle, Ken Hailey and K.D. Williams); defensive back Jovon Johnson, who picked off two passes and defensive tackle Dorian Smith who had three QB kills. Shoot, the whole defence should be heartily slapped on the back simply for not throttling their offensive teammates on the sidelines for their ineptitude.

And in a statement that speaks volumes of the entertainment value of the night, the biggest cheers of the game may have been late when two rowdies escaped the security forces after running onto the field and fleeing over the fence in the south end zone.

"Totally unacceptable," said Simpson. "As a team, we did not perform anywhere near where a team has to perform in order to win. We have to be better, we have to win at home, and you can’t win at home like that. This was totally unacceptable."

The Bombers are now 1-3, last in the East Division behind the unbeaten Montreal Alouettes at 4-4 and the Argos and Hamilton Tiger-Cats, now both at 2-2.

"That’s embarrassing. Totally embarrassing," said centre Obby Khan. "It’s everyone’s fault. We’re invested in this equally. But we can get it done. We’ve shown in spurts that we can put some offence together and we’ve had prolonged spurts where we didn’t get it done. But we have to keep it in perspective. It’s Week 4. There’s 14 to go."

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BLUE NOTES: New kick returner Craphonso Thorpse, strangely, did not field a single punt or kickoff. Kelly said post-game Thorpe was "overwhelmed."

ed.tait@freepress.mb.ca

the fifth quarter D3