It’s a big decision to suss out dad’s secret family

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This article was published 18/08/2020 (2231 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just found out my recently deceased father had a second family (a woman and one child) all my life. Somehow, we never found out. He was always travelling for business, so I guess that’s how he did it.

I’m in my early 50s, and it feels like my whole life has been a lie! I haven’t met my other “sibling” yet, and I don’t even know if I want to. Would you? — Rug Has Been Pulled Out, west Winnipeg

Dear Rug: Personally, I wouldn’t have a choice because I’m such a curious person. It’d drive me crazy not to investigate and try to meet the people involved — for better or for worse — but that’s the reporter in me.

Other people (perhaps like you, at this point) may not want to open up the situation any further. But, at some point, maybe you’ll want to meet the sibling from another mother — none of this was his or her fault. Plus, it would put some of the mystery to rest, so you don’t spend your life wondering.

Too bad your dad wasn’t still alive, so you could take him to task, and ask your questions, as bitter as they might be. The other wife might have known what was going on — or she might have been totally innocent, like your mother was.

Some men like the intrigue of a double life, while others just fall into an affair, end up with a baby was on the way and don’t get themselves out of it. Most don’t actually marry other women, but a few do with bogus officiators.

A big advantage is you’re already middle-aged. You could meet your unknown sibling, even if your dad’s two wives didn’t want it. No permission is needed this late in the game. You might actually like this person and feel a rapport. Who knows, you might even become friends.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend has some really shady male friends. She’s a recovered addict and I have a pretty good feeling all these guys were people she’d get high with. They are total Neanderthals.

She has a good job now and is doing really well, but these guys are always messaging her dirty messages and she sighs out loud and says, “Not again.” Then she just laughs.

I stress out. I can’t tell her to stop talking or communicating with them, but I don’t know how to hide my disdain. What should I do? — Blood Pressure Rising, West End

Dear Blood Pressure: Tell her you hate it and really want these people from her drug life to stop communicating. Note that you aren’t actually ordering her, but that it’s a strong statement of your feelings.

Do ask her why she takes their messages, when the comments are obviously flirty and dirty. Ask her how she’d feel if you entertained communications of any kind from old girlfriends.

Your girlfriend could choose to ignore these messages when she sees the names come up, and after a while the calls would stop. But, she doesn’t.

Be aware that news of her good fortune of getting sober and finding a good job, for good money, has gotten around. Some old friends — still addicted, depressed and poor — may be angling for a loan or a place to sleep. Or, they could be high and remembering sexy old times and don’t give a dang about your feelings!

Your girlfriend may feel guilty if she totally ignored old buddies, when she has escaped the grasp of the drugs and they haven’t.

If they actually phone, ask her if she wants you to take the call. You could tell them she’s very busy on a project for work and doesn’t want to talk socially just now. They won’t believe you, and that’s just fine.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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