Discretion key in navigating workplace romances

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/04/2021 (1999 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work in a young, computer-based business. Confession: I’ve had a second romance here. The first one ended recently, and we very sensibly agreed to remain friends, for work’s sake.

That has just blown up in my face!

Last night, my recent ex phoned for a catch-up, as friends. In the interest of being open and mature, I asked him if he’d met anyone, and he said he’d had his eye on a girl and they’ve met a few times now. So, I thought I could tell him I had a new relationship beginning on the upper floor of our work.

There was a long silence. Then he wanted to know who it was and how long I’d been two-timing him. Also, he demanded to know if my gossipy friends at work know all about this.

I told him he was being immature. The truth is I didn’t overlap, although I’d been feeling interested in the new guy since he came here to work recently. As for my work friends, a few of them know but were sworn to secrecy.

Now things are really difficult because my ex and I can still see each other from our desks. He keeps staring at me. What can I do besides turning my desk around? That’s so high schoolish, and no one would be fooled.

— Angry & Uncomfortable, Downtown

Dear Uncomfortable: Office romances only thrive with complete discretion — before, during and after. You told your girlfriends it was happening, although they may have felt the vibes before you confessed.

Now he probably feels they’re looking at you and him, because they know all about the drama. He must feel like he’s the office loser. So it’s not a bad idea to turn your desk partway around, so you’re not directly staring at each other. It might be a relief to him, too, unless he enjoys giving you dirty looks.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I agree wholeheartedly with your advice to Scared Sick. (That’s the woman who’s being threatened by the secret bio-father of her son, conceived during a short separation with her husband.) She should level with her son and tell him his dad is an old boyfriend, and let her husband know he’s not the bio-father of her child.

I agree, not only for your reason this will cut off the birth father’s power to reveal her lie. But also, the whole stack of cards could come crashing down if her son takes one of many DNA tests, and discovers he’s not related to anyone on his father’s side, and closely related to a stranger’s family. These tests are becoming quite popular.

As for your recent column responder signed “J.W.,” and his scheme to hire a lawyer to threaten a claim of unpaid child support, it might work. But, the sword of dishonesty would continue to dangle over her head. And, any lawyer that bio-dad consulted would easily recognize this as a bluff.

Taking bio-dad to court for child support would require a paternity finding and lengthy, expensive legal expenses. Potentially, there could also be prosecution for the mom’s filing a false declaration as to paternity at the time the birth certificate was registered.

As a retired lawyer myself and perhaps you, as the sister of a wonderful lawyer and judge who died so young, don’t you hate it when people so easily think they can hire lawyers to lie for them? All the best.

— H.C.P., Manitoba

Dear H.C.P.: My brother John started out as a very young lawyer defending people who had gotten themselves into legal trouble, and he met all kinds of liars and schemers. He developed a finely tuned lie detector over his years as a lawyer and judge.

Thanks for your input for Scared Stiff, who is backed into a corner and struggling to figure out what to do. While “the truth will set you free” is an old saying with merit, she fears doing that and losing her marriage to the husband she hoodwinked, plus losing her son’s trust and respect. But there’s really no other way out for her, except to wait day after day to see if her son’s bio-father is going make his move — and that could feel like the drip-drip-drip of water torture.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m in love with a shy woman who’s married to a much older man she doesn’t love. He doesn’t love her either, but he won’t let her go. She is his cook and housekeeper and she’s pretty, so it looks good on him to be her husband.

She has no education and no career to fall back on, so she’s not able to set herself free. She knows I love her because I’ve told her so more than once, but when I ask her if she loves me, she says. “Maybe… I don’t know.” Am I wasting my time trying to get her to leave him for me?

— Desperately In Love, West End

Dear Desperately: Perhaps she’s afraid of another financial “rescue” like the one from this older man. Maybe she longs for real freedom where she doesn’t have to be grateful to any man for her room and board.

“Maybe… I don’t know” is not a strong vote in your direction. You need to take the time to find a woman who truly loves you for yourself, not the lifestyle you could give her. This woman already made that mistake once.

Send questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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