Real-world connection could offer more fulfilment

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 28/05/2023 (1174 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a bigger girl who likes to have sex, and I usually don’t have any problems with attracting guys online. But now, there’s a bad problem and I’m spiralling downward. I usually ask guys I’m attracted to if they want to hook up, because I’m direct like that, but last week I asked a man who was a big, tall guy, basically in my league, and he told me in a cool voice, “I don’t sleep with big girls.”

He didn’t say fat, and he didn’t call me ugly, but his nonchalant way of rejecting me just made me feel like I didn’t exist — or that I did for a moment, only to be verbally slapped away. Help! I’m losing my confidence.

— Losing My Mojo, Winnipeg

Dear Losing: Unfortunately, it only takes one bad sexual hookup to mess up a person for a long time. It’s time to examine your approach and make some changes. You’ve been offering yourself for instant sex to guys you like the look of online, with no need for a relationship. This guy turned around and acted like you were a robot with no feelings — just a service offered to him, but not in the right size.

The “big girl” thing is clearly an issue with you, so you try to blast past it by doing the asking. But you’re taking big chances offering your body to total strangers. If you’re going to have casual sex, maybe it’s better to only hook up with friends and acquaintances you can trust.

Being the one who asks doesn’t guarantee you safety, so you need to start exploring different ways to go about meeting people. The idea is to get offline this summer and get out there in the real world for activities — like sports, the arts, festivals and even dinners and parties, some that you might co-host with a buddy or two.

You will know if people are attracted to you or not, through eye contact, common interests, casual affection and laughing at the same things. Remember, not everybody wants a Skinny Minnie. There are men and women who love a generous build in a partner. The good news? You don’t need to offer a hookup to make initial contact, as there are better, safer ways.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I can’t stand my nosy, interfering neighbour, and I want to build a big fence this summer. This jerk and I have had a few fights in recent months — and he doesn’t like me either. But, my sweet wife says building a fence will only “make things worse.” I can’t think of anything I’d like better than a six-foot fence down the property line between us! What do you think?

— Sick to Death of Nosy Neighbour, West End

Dear Sick to Death: Fencing can really help neighbours to co-exist. Since both of you annoy one another, the idea will probably be welcomed by the guy next door.

However, money can get in the way. Be prepared to pay for it all if you can, and to give up a few inches of land, if there’s going to be a dispute about that. The privacy and owning the fence yourself will be well worth it.

Once you have the fence in place, be aware that sound still travels! So, you should still park your lawn furniture closer to the neighbours over on the other side.

If a fence can’t happen this year, for whatever reason, try to find a gazebo — new or secondhand — which will give you the illusion of privacy.

Install it, and hang summery bamboo blinds on all sides. Then play music at a level that just obscures your voices, but doesn’t have your neighbours marching over in a huff, to complain. Have a great summer!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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