Role as church sidekick tests romantic faith

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/06/2023 (1171 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I started dating this female dynamo about six months ago — a lot of fun! She likes to go out to movies and hockey games and to play bingo, but her religion is starting to get in the way. I knew she was a church-every-Sunday kind of Christian, but her “views” are becoming demands!

At first, she told me she went to church because she wanted to believe in something. That goal has turned into her “needing a Christian man beside her, and a goal for her future.” She’s started criticizing my clothes, the social media I like using and my male friends. She’s also pressuring me to go to church with her (up to three times a week now) and I don’t want to go. I should mention the sex is still great. She’s passionate about everything.

I know it makes her look good to have her man by her side at church, but I am not a stage prop. The guy who sits on the other side of me at church joked, “The next thing she’ll want is marriage!” He should know. He just got married to his girlfriend at the church.

— Losing the Love Feeling, The Maples

Dear Losing Feeling: When a person starts feeling wanted only to play a role, like being someone’s respectable spouse, they start losing trust in the bond of romantic love.

In this case, your girlfriend feels a lack of status because she’s not part of a committed couple — and you’re not always by her side when she goes to church, unlike most of the husbands. Since you don’t wish to be there, and that’s her true lifestyle, why waste any more of each other’s time? She could likely find a churchgoing enthusiast, if you set her free.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife recently gave me an ultimatum. Either I have sex with her before the end of the month, or she’s going to have sex with someone else. OK, I’ll admit my sex drive is basically gone. I don’t know what happened or when it started, but I just don’t feel it anymore. I’ve only had sex with my wife maybe three times in the last year, and each time was a result of her begging and guilting me, and my performance was never good.

I told her to just go have sex with another guy — what do I care? I guess I saw this day coming, and let it happen. My brother says I’ve always been self-destructive, but what does he know? He’s an alcoholic too. But here’s the weird part. She did find a sex buddy, and she’s let me know, and now I do care, but I won’t show it! What is wrong with me? Is it too late?

— Life is Brutal, Fort Garry

Dear Life is Brutal: Until you get a grip on the drinking, you’re not going to get your sexual prowess or desire back. Alcohol reduces overall sexual sensitivity, and depresses the central nervous system, making it difficult for some men to get and keep an erection and it may also prevent or delay orgasm.

Although you definitely love your alcohol, it does not love you back. At drinking-cessation groups like Alcoholics Anonymous, you could make some good friends, gain control of your addiction, and find your way back to better relationships and a successful sex life. Now, that would be a big deal!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been working out hard for the last two years, and while I love the attention it brings, sometimes I find it a double-edged sword. I worked out mostly for myself, because I was tired of being treated unfairly as a heavier woman. It’s a sad truth about our society, but we do overlook overweight people.

I loved the new changes that came with losing weight and exercising — like confidence and compliments, but when my close friends tell me, “You look so good now” or “You look amazing!” it makes me wonder what they thought of me before.

It’s nice to look good now, but it reminds me I didn’t look good for a very long time. These feelings make me upset. How should I reply to these new compliments?

— Bigger/Smaller Emotional Pain, Transcona

Dear Bigger/Smaller: The best reply to these compliments is this: “And you always look great to me, too!” Try not to put too much bite into it, and just let it sink in. The receiver may get the subtle lesson in that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography