Openness the best strategy for safe teen sexuality

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 26/08/2023 (1120 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been a single dad for a long time and my teenage boys are living with me, and dating seriously now. I don’t want them having sex when I’m at work at night, but there’s no way for me to control the situation.

I bring this up because I found condom wrappers the other night, and I yelled at the oldest one. They weren’t his. They were his younger brother’s, which is even worse. I’m freaking out, to be honest, and kind of behind the times. Please help me out with this. Now what?

— Single Dad, Wolseley

Dear Dad: You can’t turn back the clock and stop your sons from having sex in your home or anywhere else, but you can get well-educated and teach your boys the very latest in birth control, and where to access all the details.

So, it’s time to apologize to your son for yelling at him and talk to the younger one. Tell him you’re relieved he’s being responsible enough to try to protect himself and his girlfriend from an unwanted pregnancy or STIs. Then, make sure there’s a supply of excellent quality condoms on hand, openly available for use. Lots of young people don’t realize condoms are still necessary. even if using birth control pills, for backup and to guard against spreading STIs.

The Society of Obstetricians and Gynaecologists of Canada hosts an excellent website called sexandu.ca detailing all the different birth-control methods currently available. They are Canada’s leading authority on sexual and reproductive health. Tell your boys about it. Teach them it’s best to have as much control over their own lives — now and into the future — as they possibly can.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: You know that feeling when you sense there’s something wrong at home, but don’t know just what? I recently screwed up my courage and asked my wife how she felt about us, and she told me she felt like she barely registered in the things I care about.

I told her that couldn’t be further from the truth, that she’s my No. 1. She hooted, and told me to “really think about that” and walked out of the room. I feel like I’ve been hurting someone I love deeply and didn’t even know it. She’s young, not ready for kids yet, and involved in theatre and music. I’m an accountant, and still a very serious athlete, but big deal that we’re different. I’ll admit I don’t want to go to her artsy stuff, but she doesn’t want to go to my games either.

What can I do beyond just helping out more around the house to really make an impact here? I want her to feel deeply loved. What can I do?

— Upset Husband, Winnipeg

Dear Upset: It’s a good thing you heard your wife’s alarm bells ringing. Often, totally different types of people are attracted to each other. Then they learn — sometimes the hard way — they need to be at least mildly interested in each other’s projects, not just roommates and sex partners. That’s too cold, and the duo starts drifting apart. Your lady needs to feel seen, understood and appreciated, and to start interacting in a quality way with you, ASAP.

So, start actively participating in her life and asking her a lot of questions about what she’s involved in. You should also start sharing more stories about your work and sporting endeavours. Invite her out to get to know your sporting friends socially, so they become real people to her. You might also start planning trips that incorporate exciting playoff games in a city with a great arts scene to explore together.

Also consider getting actively involved in a charity together that you really feel for — beyond just writing a cheque and handing it over. If you aren’t ready for kids you can start a “family” with pets, but only if you both love them and want to take care of them for their entire lifetime.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography