Killjoy mate undermining more than holiday cheer

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/10/2023 (730 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m married to the consummate holiday downer! I wish he would just go to therapy or something, because it’s starting to affect the young kids I brought into this marriage and it’s upsetting me a lot.

He’s my second husband and he had a rough childhood with extremely religious parents. They believed most holidays were “childish” and “fake.” As a result, he walls himself up in our bedroom or basement during all the holidays!

Now that Halloween is here, and my kids are old enough to dress up and go out with their folks to trick-or-treat, he won’t even help them with costumes. He says it’s all “stupid.” I’m furious, especially because the kids are disappointed at his rude comments about it, and that doesn’t fly with me.

The truth is I’m still upset about last Christmas when he sulked for weeks. He hid this side of him when he was courting me and trying to get me to marry him.

Help, please!

— Living With a Holiday Spoiler, Sage Creek

Dear Living With a Holiday Spoiler: Don’t let this second husband’s negativity bring you down to his level of sour living. Your job is to teach your children to celebrate life, not to bow and scrape to a negative man who will sulk for weeks and spoil a holiday celebration for his family.

Your partner gets bent out of shape when the focus is on something other than regular life with him. Why stay with someone who ruins happy occasions of life for you and your children? It makes a for a dull, unhappy life.

Time to put your foot down! Either your husband gets professional help, or you will happily parent those children on your own until a positive man with some warmth and kindness comes along who loves you and the kids, and can add to the happiness quotient.

The first step is for you to go to therapy and find out why you accepted this killjoy into your life as a second husband.

Then, pick up the healthy pieces of your life and move on with the kids, to help them enjoy the rest of their childhoods.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m afraid I’m teetering on the edge of being asexual. I was lesbian for a couple years after I hit puberty, when realized I wasn’t all that attracted to boys. I didn’t date the girls either, but I hung around with them during high school and called myself a “girl’s girl.”

That ended when I found myself finally getting hit on by a certain girl, and I ran from that clique like a scared rabbit. I took a rest of three or four months — and got really lonely, so I then started giving shy guys a chance.

I was “that close” to having sex with a special shy guy I was dating, when I realized I didn’t want to have all-out sex with him, either! What do you call it when you’re neither straight nor gay? Or am I just asexual? I’m 16.

— Confused By Lack of Sexuality, Winnipeg

Dear Confused: You don’t mention having deep feelings for anyone to this point, so give yourself a break about not wanting sex at age 16. It’s possible you just haven’t met the right person.

A crush is one thing — and you have had a few of those, which is quite normal — but falling love is something much bigger. So is desiring and having a deep sexual relationship! You can relax in knowing there’s nothing wrong with you, except that you tend to push and label yourself, instead of just relaxing and going with the flow as you mature.

Stop labelling yourself lesbian, straight or asexual, as if you have to join a club to be accepted into a circle. Some young people, especially girls, don’t feel all that excited about anyone sexually until they actually fall in love. Also, some people’s bodies mature sexually much later than others.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography