With clashing views of future, it’s decision time

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This article was published 18/01/2024 (941 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Valentine’s Day is coming up in a month and I hinted broadly to my boyfriend the other night I want a real marriage, with a home and kids. We are 18 and 19.

He went silent, looking thunderstruck. Then he said, “I thought we were just living together. What’s the big deal, sweetie? We aren’t even 20.” That did it!

I yelled: “So what is the magic age when you’ll be ready, and stop trying me out?” His face went from white to beet-red to white again. Then he put on his parka and went for a long ride in his truck. He finally came back when I was already in bed, wide-awake. He said nothing, and slept way over on his side of the bed.

We have both been scary-quiet for the last week. I am so upset, I can hardly eat anything! Who is in the wrong here?

— Move Out or Hang In? St. Vital

Dear Move Out or Hang In: It’s not about right or wrong. Your boyfriend — whose face turned several colours when you confronted him — was showing physical signs of being deeply shocked. He probably thought you two were having a modern living-together romance that doesn’t necessarily head toward marriage.

Sadly for you, his week of silence probably does not mean he has a positive response for you. It’s highly unlikely he’s out combing the city for an engagement ring.

Since you seem to be on a totally different page, you may have to give up on him. So, talk to him kindly now. Listen to what he has to say without contradicting him, and apologize for shocking him with your outburst. Then see what you can work out between you, and what you should do next. You have lots of time.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife cheated on me and to be honest, I wasn’t as mad as I thought I’d be. We’re older, have a pretty great life and frankly I’d be lying if I said I hadn’t had a few brushes with cheating myself. They were out of town on business trips. While “technically” nothing happened, I’m sure they would be “as-good-as-if-you-had”-style situations.

My wife and I decided to work things out. I’m happy not have to give up the life we’ve built together, but unfortunately some of my friends who heard about this and are treating me like I’m a sucker with no self-respect.

Frankly, I respect myself too much to give up everything we’ve worked to build just because my wife had a lapse in judgment! It wasn’t a long-term emotional affair, which I definitely wouldn’t have been OK with — just a fling. I wish we could all just move on — especially the people who aren’t in this relationship.

Honestly, I just think maybe I have slightly more progressive values than I had thought, as I genuinely have considered opening the marriage up to make it “fair,” and it’s something my wife and I have definitely talked about now.

My main thing is I don’t want my friends to look down on me, and I just can’t shake the feeling they will always be that way. How do I get them on the same page? I just want them to understand that yes, it hurt, but it wasn’t “blow-up-my-life” bad, and I’m happy to forgive. Plus, it doesn’t mean I’m less of a man for doing that.

— Sorry I Mentioned It, River Heights

Dear Sorry: Over-sharing problems in your marriage with male buddies often causes more problems than it’s worth. Friends usually take their pal’s side, and roundly dislike the partner who cheated on them. Now your friends are judging both your wife and you.

If you can reassure “the guys” you and your mate are fine now, and this “slip” has blown over, they will probably grumble and settle down. Just don’t make the mistake of starting another blowup by discussing anything to do with an open marriage. However, you and your mate might quietly see a relationship counsellor — someone who has worked with couples who have had open marriages.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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