Glimpse of mate’s domestic philosophy worrisome

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/03/2024 (918 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been seeing a very good-looking and intelligent man I met through my work. On Valentine’s Day, he gave me chocolates and flowers. Then, he said he loved me and asked if we could live together until we have enough money to get married!

I said I’d need to think about it, as my old-world parents don’t approve of couples living together without being married. My parents didn’t say much, except that they were disappointed and very worried about me with this man.

Then they asked me, if lived with him, what would happen with my pets? I said of course I‘d want to take them with me! So, I told my boyfriend that, and he said, “That won’t be happening. I want to share a place with you, but not with your two old cats and a yappy old dog. They’ll have to stay with your parents.” I started to cry and said, “But those are my babies!”

Then he said something that keeps ringing in my head: “I’ll give you real babies, when the time comes!” He’s started talking to me like that, like he’s the king. I’m really starting to worry! Would it be a mistake to marry a man like this, from a different culture?

— Need to Have a Say, Wolseley

Dear Need to Have a Say: You are right to be wary of marrying this man. If you dig into his background and what he expects of a marriage, you might find out he comes from a background where the husband is definitely the ruler.

There are many different things to consider beyond the initial romance of two people who believe they love each other. You are talking about building a whole life together. That includes whether you will marry or just live together common-law, the number of children you’d like to have, if one or both of you will want to work, and the power dynamic. In a country like ours, the male marriage partner does not dictate his partner’s lifestyle.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Well, I just came home from a fight with my neighbour and former “friend.” I’m getting older, and I’m afraid I don’t have many friends left. Her scary son has come back to live with her, from God knows where, but I can guess! He’s an all-round bad guy and always out of work.

His mother goes to work to support them both, so she’s away from 8 a.m. until 6 p.m. He entertains his sleazy out-of-work friends who come by during the day. They park everywhere, taking up spaces along the curb in front of my house.

I don’t know what all’s going on in the house, but I can see guys carrying in beer cases in broad daylight. This is bringing down the respectability of our neighbourhood!

I decided I just had to say something, so I screwed up my courage and went over when the son wasn’t there. I told my neighbour friend straight how I felt, and she said, “If you’ve finished yapping now, go home and mind your own business!” I went home crying.

Later, her son phoned and swore at me, and told me to leave them alone! I don’t know what else I can do. This used to be a decent neighbourhood, but it isn’t anymore. I don’t feel I should have to put up with this, or perhaps even have to sell my house. What can I do?

— Upset Neighbour, East Kildonan

Dear Upset: This son might not be there for a long time, so don’t put your house up for sale too quickly. You could block the offending sights next door this spring, by building a side fence and an inner row of fast-growing bushes. If the neighbour’s son and his buddies are making a lot of party noise outdoors in the warm weather, definitely complain to the authorities.

As for the equally important friend-loss problem, you should also consider addressing the loneliness issue by contacting your nearest community centre to find out about their seniors’ programming. Then you can meet other fun neighbours, and make new friends who live close by. Also, the Manitoba Association of Senior Communities (manitobaseniorcommunities.ca) could help you get connected with a seniors’ centre near you, with all kinds of activities to light up your life.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography