Nip any provocative meddling in the bud

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This article was published 08/03/2024 (944 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: When I was waiting for my always-late husband at a bar, a guy stopped by my table and slipped into an empty chair opposite me. It was my boyfriend from almost five years ago.

“Waiting for me?” he teased. When my husband finally showed up, he said sarcastically, “Mind if I have a seat with you two?” I said, “Not at all.”

It was a bit strained, but I mentioned the two guys were fans of the same sports teams, and they started yapping and having a great time. Finally my ex said he had to leave to go meet his wife. Then my husband shocked me by saying that we should have my ex and his wife over to watch a game. My mouth fell open.

My man has always been kind of a jealous guy. I thought he was just trying to act cool for a change, so I kind of let it go. But last night he asked when we were inviting my ex and his wife over and he surprised me by naming an upcoming game.

Frankly, I don’t want my ex over here. I know I brought this on myself. What was I thinking? Before I was in his life, my ex was into some kinky stuff I wouldn’t go along with. Part of it was swinging. He might be attracted to me and my husband and have that in mind. What should I do now?

— Not Cool With Situation, East Kildonan

Dear Not Cool: You smell relationship danger, so tell your husband you don’t want to share any time with your ex and his wife because it feels weird and you suspect your ex might be up to something.

Your husband will probably ask what you are talking about. Then you say, with a knowing smile, “A little home-wrecking. I love you, and I won’t let that guy get his foot in this door.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been married an embarrassingly short time and I want out. I’m prepared to send back all the gifts and money we received. I asked that there be no gifts, but they came pouring in anyway. My parents put on a big, fancy wedding for me (that I didn’t want). I am a shy person.

Now, I really want out of this horrible marriage because my husband turned into a lazy, irresponsible jerk in the year after our wedding. He’s quit two different jobs and has gotten heavily into drinking and gambling.

I can no longer imagine having children with him and I’m not getting any younger.

How do I get out of this horrible situation? I feel guilty about the guests who spent so much money on us.

— Crying Myself to Sleep, southern Manitoba

Dear Crying: Don’t stay married and miserable because of wedding gifts from friends and relatives. They weren’t a loan and are not a debt to be paid back. Many wedding guests can’t remember how much they left in the gift envelopes, or even what they picked out as gifts. They figured at the time it was to help with wedding expenses and they attended the soirée and had a wonderful time.

Instead of worrying about these gifts, use what money you have to see a good divorce lawyer. You will feel better once you start moving ahead with your need to get free.

If you haven’t told your parents the truth about this relationship, sit them down and do that. Depending on their personalities, you might want to talk to them separately.

Also, if your husband has become a scary person, the safest thing might be to move in with them for privacy and protection.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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