New pursuits can resolve culture clash due to age gap

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This article was published 27/04/2024 (869 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife and I are 11 years apart in age. It didn’t seem like big a deal when we she was 22 and I was 33. She was so hot. We got married ”in a fever” like the Johnny Cash and June Carter Cash song Jackson song says. Mostly, we were crazy about sex and fun with each other, and we were both young and strong. But now, I’m 53 and she’s 42.

All the stuff I miss, she’s disdainful of; and the stuff she remembers fondly, I secretly think is stupid. I love her, but now that the kids have moved out, we have nothing left to tie us together. How do we bridge this gap, before it’s too late?

— Drifting Apart, The Maples

Dear Drifting: Sitting at home bored and thinking about your differences is dangerous. You admit you still love this younger woman of 42, so don’t lose her!

Here’s the crazy part about human beings and their tastes in people: Chances are, if you broke up and looked for new mates, you’d still be attracted to a younger woman, and she’d still be attracted to an older man. However, you can still fix this problem. It’ll take finding two or three fun new activities that excite you both and bring you into groups with other people — like dancing lessons, golfing, tennis, sailing, interesting board games and hiking. There are so many exciting choices in spring and summer! Fill your lives with fun new projects, and the good feeling of admiring one another other will magically return — and the sexual attraction is bound to come with it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m approaching 40 as a happily single woman with my own successful business. It’s my baby. I travel a lot for it, and I live in a big apartment block with many friends I’ve made here, especially around the pool.

My life is good, but if you were to talk to my mother, I’m just a few years away from being a total failure. Why? Because I have no man in my private life and no intention of having children, so therefore I’m a failure as a woman. I’m so tired of her outdated attitudes.

I’ve told my mom off enough times she really should have gotten it by now. My dear old dad doesn’t understand me, but he doesn’t give me grief like she does.

How do I deal with this? I don’t want my mom and me always to be at odds. But at this rate, she won’t be anything but disappointed if I reach menopause without providing her a son-in-law and grandchildren.

— Failure in Mother’s Eyes, Osborne Village

Dear Failure: Underneath the criticism, mothers like yours are also saying something bigger: “You came from me, but I don’t understand how you think!”

You can ease this ongoing battle by writing your mom a letter describing all the things you love in your life and what activities specifically bring you joy. In the final paragraph, thank her for the qualities you inherited from her and your dad, the ones that make you a hard worker and a leader in your career.

Surprise your mom by thanking her for the stubbornness you inherited, and the ability to stand up for what you believe in. Granted, you two are different in some important ways, but that doesn’t diminish either of you. In your mom’s case, she believes in the traditional role of women, and she thinks you look down on that. In your case, you exemplify the modern option for women to be everything they want to be — not necessarily a wife and mother — and mom thinks you look down your nose at her.

You can’t totally change this, but you could help her get the grandmothering experience she craves. You may not be able to provide kids, but you can point the way to doing good deeds for little ones.

If she was a loving mother to you, why not suggest she volunteers in the health-care system for one of their “baby-cuddling” programs. Their moms aren’t able to do it and it is very necessary for healthy child development.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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