Consider adoptive parenting to fulfil family dream

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This article was published 13/05/2024 (867 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I always wanted children, but I ended up dating a deadbeat in my 30s and we broke up just after I turned 35. Even if I found a guy tomorrow who was perfect, I would need at least a few years together to feel comfortable that we weren’t rushing things.

But I just feel so angry all the time now. My ex took the years of my life where I could have had kids and wasted them. My life is fulfilling and a lot of the time I feel like I’ve just accepted having children just wasn’t in the cards for me, but if I really think about the subject or him, I just get mad again.

I don’t want to be angry for the rest of my life, especially if I’m not going to have kids to focus on. How do I let these feelings go?

— So Mixed Up, St. James

Dear Mixed Up: Someone like you, with a deep desire for raising children, could still be an adoptive single parent if you have the energy and financial means.

Consider looking into this as an option before you give up because you are far too passionate about child-raising to be able to shrug it off.

At least do the research to see if you can adopt. If you start to do that and find yourself suddenly thinking of all the negatives, then maybe you just love the idea of parenting a child, not the reality it entails.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife used to be a sweet lover with me, but something has changed. Now she says she has all kinds of things she wants to try in the bedroom.

I asked her where she got all her new knowledge and she laughed with glee. She pulled out some books, with illustrations, and said she wanted to turn me into her sex servant, but thought I was too conservative.

I couldn’t help but laugh. She is younger than me by almost 10 years. I don’t know how to tell her I went through all this stuff in college with a wild little woman who fancied herself a dominatrix.

I don’t want to crush my wife’s desires, but I got real tired of playing those stupid power games long ago. Please help me out here.

— Been There, Done That, East Kildonan

Dear Done That: It’s a mistake to think you can deprive a younger mate of all the activities that were fun for you at a certain age.

You can provide a fantasy alternative, but that won’t stop your wife from wanting to play out the dominatrix fantasy, which seems fixed in her mind right now.

You might have to (secretly) yawn, and play along a few times. Then you can bring up some of your own alternatives and she might be willing to try them. It could be fun, so don’t look down your nose at your sexy younger partner.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My partner works the evening shift and recently he’s been coming home from work with his shirts smelling funny. I finally identified the smell as a kind of Middle Eastern spice I’ve had occasionally, but not at the restaurant where he works.

I wasn’t suspicious — just thought he must be stopping for food somewhere on his way home, and eating in the car.

When I asked him about it, he kind of jumped, got all guilty-looking, and said, “So now you know.”

I said, “Know what?” And then he looked away and said, “Nothing.”

Now his half-confession sits between us like a ghost. Please help. I don’t want to lose him because I love him.

— Young Love, Transcona

Dear Young Love: You don’t need anybody’s permission to look the other way, if that’s what you want to do. But the trouble is, the problem probably won’t go away and your boyfriend already knows you’re suspicious. In the end you’ll have to talk about it.

When you decide to do it, don’t start by accusing him of cheating. Simply ask him “Why do your shirts sometimes smell like such-and-such when you come home from work?” Then evaluate the answer he gives you, listening with both your head and your heart.

Upset people are usually pretty easy to read. It’s the cool ones who are the best liars and your boyfriend is not one of those.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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