Familiarity with new flame could ease daughters’ fear

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This article was published 17/05/2024 (879 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I finally have a wonderful new man in my life. On the weekends he comes into the city and stays overnight with me — in the same bed, of course. I’m a grandmother but not that old.

But now my married daughters are judging my sex life and penalizing me because I finally have one.

I divorced their father almost 10 years ago. Before my new man came along I was often lonely on weekends, so my daughters used to bring me their kids (three girls in all) on Saturdays for dinner, a sleepover and fun until noon on Sunday.

It also gave my girls and their husbands a break from constant child duty. Sometimes the couples would double-date, and other times just go out alone and have some fun. It worked for everybody.

Now those daughters of mine don’t approve of grandma having a single woman’s sex life — like they had for years. They actually got together two weeks ago and decided they weren’t allowing any sleepovers with our kids if he was staying over.

The unspoken words I heard were, “What if the new man turns out to be a sexual creep?”

I am not a teenager and was insulted. I told my daughters they would have to break it to my granddaughters that their moms weren’t allowing sleepovers at grandma’s anymore — and they did.

Now everybody’s upset, especially the kids and me. What now?

— Grandma Lost Out? West Kildonan

Dear Grandma: Your daughters may not trust this man getting close with you, either — their beloved mother, who made a mistake on her first husband. Chances are this problem goes deeper than just fears for their children’s sexual safety. How well do your daughters know your new man?

It doesn’t sound like they know him very well, so you need to address that issue. It’s not enough for them to hear he’s a nice guy from their mom, who is crazy about him and is sleeping with him.

Maybe you can sidestep this sleepover issue during the time your daughters and new man are getting to know and trust one another through family dinners and summer activities instigated by you.

Why not suggest changing the sleepover night for now? Could the grandchildren come for Sunday dinners and an overnight when your man has already gone home? Even if you think your guy is charming and gets on well with children, it would be nicer for the little kids to continue to have your undivided attention during their visits right now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Summer’s coming and my partner and I are dying to rent a cabin, but the regular and always upsetting Lake Winnipeg-versus-Lake of the Woods fight is on again.

My wife wants the white sandy beaches, beach-town shopping and relative safety of the shallower Lake Winnipeg. I want the deep water, tall trees, islands, relative privacy and bears out at Lake at the Woods. We are both growling at each other.

Seriously, it’s already cabin-renting season, so how do we decide this in a hurry?

— Time’s a-Wasting, Steinbach

Dear Time’s a-Wasting: Why not do both? Divide the holiday in two, and hit both lakes for a week or two each. It might be unsettling to have to de-camp and re-camp in the middle, but it would be a unique experiment that might help you settle things for the years to come.

Your wife will appreciate the fairness of this deal, and your children will learn a problem-solving technique, as well, if you explain it to them.

Please send your questions to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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