Set ground rules before rummaging in tickle trunk

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 15/05/2024 (829 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife went to a garage sale and hauled home a tickle trunk full of sex costumes, feathered masks, and crazy instruments. I’ll never complain about her garage-sale habit again.

She held up an item and reminded me about last Halloween when I got drunk and started telling her about a woman I dated in college who liked to think she was a dominant. My wife said she took notes and wanted to play. The only trouble is my wife is a weight-lifter — a tall, powerfully built woman.

I wasn’t scared of my former girlfriend, the wannabe dominant, because she was petite and really a pussycat underneath, just play-acting the opposite of her own personality. It was actually hilarious, but I wasn’t mean enough to laugh at her.

My wife, on the other hand, is a tigress by nature. She’s a budding Mistress X just looking for a place to happen. But how should I warn her that I might not go for everything she has on her mind?

— Her Mostly Willing Servant, downtown Winnipeg

Dear Mostly Willing: Read up on this type of sex play as much as you can, ahead of a discussion with your dominant mate. Then, sit down at a time when you two are definitely not about to have sex and discuss the upcoming dramatic performance “à deux.” Most importantly, come to an agreement on what’s allowable and what’s not. You’ll also need a clear safe word that means “Stop, that’s going too far.”

My final advice is never to chat with anybody about what’s happening with you and your wife. While it might make some for great gossip, you would never be forgiven.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I never wanted kids, but I wanted my woman to stay with me. Everyone told me I would love children once I had some of my own, so I relented and we had two kids. And they were right — deep down I do love the kids, but I wish I hadn’t lost my simpler life with my wife.

There are so many gross situations with children that I just don’t want to deal with and they’re constantly talking and asking questions. Plus the house is always messy.

I wish I could go back to how things were before we had kids, but that wasn’t sustainable because my wife gave me an ultimatum, since she wanted to have kids before it was too late. I wanted her so much, I gave in.

I would never say this to her, and definitely not to them, but I really wish I had been able to just grow old child-free with a loving wife and a couple of cats and maybe a dog.

I know I’m not alone. Before we started a family, at least a few young parents I know told me never to have kids, but I was pretty sure they weren’t serious and were saying so after a particularly hard time with the brats.

I don’t know how to reconcile these feelings with my reality. I have no idea who I can turn to because everyone close to me I would normally open up to are the same people who have pressured me to procreate.

— Reluctant Dad, St. James

Dear Reluctant: You’re right to be concerned, but sharing your dissatisfaction about having kids would only hurt your wife to the extent she might leave you for someone who would love them more.

You need to find a way to relax your hard stand against things such as normal household disorder, kids’ chatter and their barrage of natural questions.

Children are tourists in a complex world, mostly built for adults. They need help, information and protection, so they ask lots of questions and really need your assistance and support. They can’t help it.

They may not say anything, but they pick up on attitudes and degrees of warmth coming back from their parents. You may be coming across as cold, and that’s sad for everybody. A psychologist could help you get in touch with the past experiences that have made you distant where children are concerned. Were your parents cool customers who wished out loud they had more freedom from you kids?

It’s smart of you to try to deal with this. Even if you aren’t vocal about your criticism of the children’s behaviours, a parent’s rolled eyes and disgusted facial expressions are hurtful to sensitive young beings.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography