A touch of solitude could build warmer bond

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 29/06/2024 (820 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife’s big family was very poor when they were growing up, and they slept four kids in two bunk beds, in a tiny room. The newest baby always slept in a crib, in the parents’ room.

My wife and I love each other very much, and we have sex a fair amount, but as soon as I go to sleep she likes to sneak off and find a private place to sleep — like the sofa or the couch in the porch in summer.

As a loving husband, I often wake up, reach for her to hug close to me, and feel abandoned. I wondered if other guys have the situation where they always wake up to find their wife has “escaped” the cosy situation in the marriage bed.

I asked my two closest friends if their wife does this, and they both said no. But they also said they were always trying to keep the kids out of their bedroom, so they can be alone with their spouses more.

That makes me feel even sorrier for myself. What can I do?

— All Alone After 3 a.m., Bird’s Hill

Dear Al Alone: Is it space or privacy that your wife longs for, when the day is finally over — or possibly both?

If she simply needs more space to sprawl out, a king-sized bed could be a solution, although you might feel an increased need to pull her close.

But if what she really needs is to be alone for a few hours out of 24, to balance out the rest of her busy life with you and the kids, then she might need a totally different solution. Perhaps she needs to be free to go off alone in the evenings for a drive, or a walk in the sunshine. Could you volunteer to help with that? Oddly enough, people who are starved for alone time and are generously offered it, often don’t need as much as you’d think to restore their souls. But people who never get it are always hungry for it ,and that sounds like it could be your mate’s situation.

So consider a bigger fix! On Saturday or Sunday afternoons, offer to take the gang out to do fun things — and leave your wife home alone, to enjoy some real solitude.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My young husband is a religious, sexy guy. I fell in love with his strong, muscular body and natural physicality, as well as his gentle sense of humour. He would like me to be more spiritual, though he has accepted I am more of an “earthy and sensual” person.

He has adopted some of my beliefs. I love the sun on my bare body, worshipping trees and growing a Garden of Eden on our land, but he still very much wants me to come to his church every Sunday.

I asked him why he is so insistent and he muttered, “You’re not the only woman who finds me attractive. Sometimes the women ask me if you are coming to church that day.”

He needs me there for protection from them? Ha! I laughed, but then I thought I’d experiment. Last week I told him he’d have to go to church alone again, because I wasn’t feeling well. He pulled a sad face, but off he went.

I left home about 20 minutes after him in the truck, and came in for the service, to surprise him. And there he was, right up near the front with three young women sitting beside him in a long pew. I’m pretty sure it was all their idea.

I pushed my way past them, and squeezed in right beside him and took his hand. I was making a point and I didn’t care who saw it.

I’m going to church with him more now, but I don’t like acting as a guard. What else can I do?

— Not His Guard Dog, southern Manitoba

Dear Not His Guard Dog: People sometimes look back and rue the day they knew somebody was going after their mate, and they looked the other way. You won’t be one of them!

One of the difficulties with having an attractive mate is that you’re never going to be the only one who’s attracted. So it’s smart to accept there are situations where you actually need to be present, to keep your handsome man away from a woman who’d like to think he’s under-loved — and possibly fair game.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography