Anti-nuptial eruption shakes foundation of bond

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This article was published 03/07/2024 (813 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My common-law husband and I had an emotional disagreement and terrible things were said in the heat of the moment. One thing that cut right through me and ripped my heart was this: he told me that he has never wanted to marry me.

We have been together for nine years. When I asked him why, he said I would only want to marry him to get all his “earthly belongings.” What is he talking about? All I do is give, give, give.

I just can’t shake what he said. Our house is extremely quiet now. No one is talking. I just can’t find the words. Up until now I always felt secure in our relationship. Now I feel like it was all a lie on his part. It seems there is no use trying to talk this one out. He said what he said and now I know the true reason he didn’t want to marry me.

It hurts so much. I’m just floored and don’t know what to do. Help me. My head is spinning, Please make it stop.

— Hurting and Disoriented, Silver Heights

Dear Hurting and Disoriented: Ask your common-law partner where he got the idea a woman would only marry him to get all his “earthly belongings.”

In Manitoba, a person can designate their common-law spouse as a recipient in their will. But your partner is letting on he hasn’t named you after nine years together. If he dies without a will, then inheritance is based on the Intestate Succession Act of the province, which prioritizes legal spouses, common-law partners, children and other family members.

If your partner has a will, he has chosen the people he wants to inherit his estate, which could include a common-law partner, friends, family members or charities.

By the way, do you have a will naming him as a recipient? That’s only fair.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My husband is the most loving man I know to his adult children. He has helped them financially and emotionally — way more than needed.

But every Father’s Day he is alone with no invitations and no visits from his kids who are now in their late 30s and doing well with children of their own. Sure, he’ll receive a Happy Father’s Day text, but that’s it.

That’s pretty cold if you ask me. I want to say something to his sons, but I’m just the stepmother. Should I? Why should I have to tell grown adults how to treat their father? My heart breaks for my husband. Any direction in this would be greatly appreciated.

— Witnessing the Hurt, North End

Dear Witnessing the Hurt: Father’s Day can be complicated in this modern world, where there are often birth fathers and also stepfathers to celebrate, or not. Was your husband attentive to his sons when they were young, or did they possibly grow up without him in the house much?

Father’s Day might have become difficult for everybody, especially if their mother married another guy.

Also, your husband’s sons will likely be celebrating Father’s Day with their own children now, hence the brief texts sent off to their dad. Make sure to ask your husband if he has responded to them.

A phone call from your husband every Father’s Day to his sons saying, “Thank you for the wonderful grandchildren, and have a Happy Father’s Day yourself,” would be a warm habit for him to start.

Suggest as much, if he hasn’t already been doing it. His kids may be mistakenly interpreting a quickie response to their texts — or no response at all — as coldness from their birth father.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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