End to one-sided friendship could be fresh start

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This article was published 28/12/2024 (597 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out my best friend and I are no longer close. After all these years together, how could I not have seen how one-sided our relationship has become?

I’m such a fool. I’ve never been too busy to listen to her problems. I’ve always dropped whatever I was doing to lend an ear or go over and comfort her if she was crying and really down. She generally doesn’t put much stock in advice from me — a lowly baker by trade.

I normally keep my problems to myself, but for the last two months I was going through a breakup with my husband and needed her shoulder to cry on. So I told her my problems in detail and also about my man’s weird sexual problem.

It turned out to be the wrong move. She made me feel like I overstepped boundaries with her.

She actually made a nasty comment about being my unpaid shrink. I grabbed my coat to leave her place with tears in my eyes. She clutched my arm and said, “Here’s my advice — you need to toughen up, girl.” Really? After all I’ve done for her that’s the best advice she could give?

I’m so upset and I have no idea how to handle her. Please advise, as right now I want to walk away and never look back, even after so many years of friendship.

— Deeply Upset, Osborne Village

Dear Deeply Upset: This woman is holding the door wide open for you to leave her life — so do it. Close friendships can go stale, particularly when the friendship has mainly become an exchange of complaints and comforting.

Luckily, there’s a glimmer of sunshine peeking through the clouds outside that door. It could be the best move you’ve made in years.

Start 2025 by getting some good professional help. Ask your doctor to recommend some psychologists and counselling groups. Also check to find out if you have coverage through the group insurance at your workplace.

You also need to start building some new friendships. When everything settles down after the new year, broaden your world by over-joining some activity or artistic groups you’re interested in or volunteering with organizations that mean something to you. It could even be a book club, a new sport or fundraising for different causes. When you get involved in something you’re passionate about, you have a good chance at meeting like-minded people.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I met a single woman at a Christmas party and we both had way too much punch. We were getting along famously and had a kiss behind a coat rack. Fantastic.

Then we went back into the party and had a couple of really close slow dances. Finally, the guilt hit me and I confessed to her that I had a girlfriend — a nurse who was working the night shift. That changed the mood, but only for a bit.

After the music died, I gave my contact info to her and a taxi took us to our respective homes. She called me 45 minutes later when we were both in our beds — and we talked for over an hour. It was fantastic.

Now we talk late every night from one bed to the other and I can’t think of anything else but her. It’s driving me nuts.

I’m still seeing my nurse girlfriend, but I’m feeling so mixed-up about my sweet “coat rack girl.” What now?

— Too Tempted, Windsor Park

Dear Tempted: Until you break up with your girlfriend, it’s simply cheating to keep talking to “coat rack girl.” Is this relationship totally innocent? No. You kissed her at the Christmas party and it seems very likely — given the impact of the punch you drank — you kissed her a lot more on the cab ride to your respective abodes.

It’s time to stop kidding yourself. You’re getting intimate very quickly with this new woman simply by conversing so much. You may be miles apart, but it’s very intimate.

In some cases, cosy pillow talk about thoughts, feelings, beliefs and goals in life can advance the real intimacy of a relationship, even faster than having sex.

So ask yourself right now: if you break up with your girlfriend, will you be breaking up with someone you truly love and then feel terribly sorry?

You also need to ask your mate how she feels about working the night shift if you ever got married. Some nurses hate it, while others love it and wouldn’t want to stop doing it. That might be the real deal-breaker for you.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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