Marriage is only as mundane as you make it

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 04/01/2025 (605 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband is making annoying new year’s resolutions for me. He just told me he wants me to resolve to quit drinking after work with my friends, on our two weekly girls’ nights out. He also wants me to start making our dinners at home every night.

I just laughed and said, “Who am I now, your mother? We’re not even 25 years old yet. Plus, you’re a better cook than I am, and I don’t really get home from work any earlier than you do.” (He finishes at 5:45 p.m. and comes straight home, while I clock out at 5:30, and usually stop for a few groceries and then we walk in the door at pretty much the same time.)

He was mad, but had no reply. So, I threw a pizza in the oven and made us a salad.

The next night, I got home later than usual, on purpose, and there was no dinner made. He just said, “Why don’t I go back to playing poker with my buddies on Wednesday and Saturday nights, and have dinner with them?”

I said, “Fine, then I’ll go back to dinners with my friends on karaoke and dancing nights.”

So, that’s what’s happening for us in 2025 — cold war. Now, we just get into bed together and sometimes have maintenance sex, or more often than not just turn our backs to each other and go to sleep.

Nothing’s changed after marrying this guy — except the sex is worse. Why did I do it? I must admit I did love planning the big wedding with him — six months of fun work that often involved social get-togethers.

I just don’t get the domestic situation he envisions where I’m supposed to play some kind of traditional wife. We weren’t planning to change our lifestyle and having kids until we’re 30, and that’s another six years. Please help me figure this out.

— Married Too Young? Weston

Dear Married Too Young: It used to be that young couples got married so they’d finally get a private place to live and could have sex freely. If kids came along — no problem! But in our era, 20-somethings can do whatever they want, with or without a wedding, and it’s no big deal.

Look, marriage is a new world to you, and it truly can be great. You two just need to figure out different types of fun you can have together as a couple. Some newlyweds get enthusiastically involved in charity work or with other causes. This introduces them to like-minded new people other than old party friends. It also helps deepen a couple’s bond and makes you feel better about yourselves.

You could also get involved as partners in sports like tennis, golf or curling. There’s travel. A couple trips a year can be invigorating and very romantic.

Life can be a lot of fun as a young married couple, provided you do more than just moping at home, so don’t give up just yet!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spent a lot of time Christmas shopping for all kinds of beautiful clothes for my wife — suits, dresses and lingerie. Of course, I told her that if things didn’t fit, she should take them back and exchange them.

Well, she sure did! I didn’t even recognize the replacements. For instance, all the sexy items were replaced with more office wear. I get the message, and I’m embarrassed and deeply hurt.

Now I know why our sex life has waned — she isn’t into me anymore. I didn’t realize that embarrassing fact until now. I love her and still desire her in every way, so what can I do?

— Hurting, Winnipeg

Dear Hurting: Before you talk to your wife about this, quietly see a relationship counsellor or psychologist about the best way you can approach her total rejection of those sexy gifts.

If you go about this bluntly, it could go very badly indeed. Perhaps you just picked the wrong style of lingerie, or maybe, as you fear, she’s no longer interested in having sex with you — and that will be very hard to take. That’s why you’ll need coaching, and also some couple’s sessions with your wife afterward, if she’s willing.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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