Nothing to lose with enterprising matchmaker

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This article was published 03/01/2025 (636 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m a single guy and band leader in my mid-20s, and my best friend has decided to do some matchmaking. She’s been single for less than three years herself and has joined every singles club and church group imaginable, to meet a new mate and also get her friends all matched up. She’s come up with a whole lot of new single friends, and now she’s organizing one-off singles’ events herself.

I’m single after ending a lousy young marriage about a year ago. This organizer friend says she wants to do some matchmaking for me. She has also offered my band good money to play at one of her singles’ bashes. My bandmates leapt at the big payday, and they’re mostly single too.

I think my matchmaking friend has some particular woman she’s trying to push on me — maybe herself! How should I handle what might feel like manipulation? I’ve never experienced this sort of thing before.

— Suspicious Mind, River Heights

Dear Suspicious Mind: You seem to like this enterprising young woman, so go for it! Instruct the band to dress up, and put on their best show. Make yourself and your new female friend proud of her event, and for hiring you and your talented musician friends.

You may not hit it off with the matchmaker (if your hunch is even right) or be attracted to anybody else there, but if you do a great job, it could lead to other gigs where you’ll encounter a bunch more singles. Who knows, maybe you and the guys in the band will meet some amazing people at these events who become good friends or even more.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My son’s girlfriend was beating him up emotionally. He wasn’t tough enough to deal with her, because he came from our gentler style of upbringing.

She got our soft-spoken son into drinking, and also challenging everything we said to him. He moved in with her, and it turned out I was worried with good reason.

Recently, I heard from his sister that the girlfriend “abuses” him. I was doubtful of her going that far, but last weekend, when he and his girl were both drinking, he passed out and she cut his long hair off and in an ugly, jagged manner.

He woke up in the morning when she was at work, looked in the mirror, and started screaming. He called me at home, very shaken and said he needed help to get away from her.

His dad and I packed him up ASAP, and brought him and his belongings home. Then we quickly took our son to a barber for a haircut fix. Our son was such a broken young man. It hurt to see his eyes filling with tears in the barber’s chair.

All he did for the first weeks at home was cry, and he barely ate anything. As his mother, I held him like a young boy. We were able to get him into emergency therapy with a psychiatrist who listened, and prescribed medication which he really needed.

The stress on his father and me has been enormous! At home, our son was an emotional wreck to live with at first, reverting into a man-child, even calling me “mommy.” He couldn’t even tidy up, and just laid in bed. I guess he felt cut down and almost destroyed.

He lived with us 24-7 for some weeks, and then found himself an easy job. Then we started to see some healing. He became stronger, and had more confidence again.

But then he started to stay out late, and away from our place for some overnights. Then suddenly, his sweet attitude turned bitter, particularly toward me!

Because he was being secretive, I had a bad feeling he was seeing his abusive ex again. I went out in the car one night and investigated, and sure enough, his truck was around the corner from her place.

I called his cellphone, and he swore at me. I saw red! Everything his dad and I had done for him went for nothing — back to Square 1, or worse. That night I wanted to pack up his disaster of a basement room, but I didn’t. Where can we possibly go from here?

— Angry and Hurting, The Maples

Dear Angry and Hurting: Sometimes you have to say “Enough!” or lose your own sanity. That goes double when you’re living with an adult child. You called your son’s bluff, and now he’s dealing with his abusive ex again. She may be working on taking him back from you, in her mind at least — as a kind of victory. But as soon as he rubs her the wrong way, she’ll tire of him again.

Luckily, he’ll have some background help in place this time. No doubt, his psychiatrist deals with patients who have “run back into the fire” and has been able to help them cope again.

What you might offer is funding for more schooling, if your son has a career he’d really like to pursue.

Self-esteem seems like a problem for him, and there’s nothing like getting into a career you love for building some lasting strength. And when self-esteem improves, so does one’s taste in love partners.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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