Trust your instincts on combative cousin

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 11/04/2025 (516 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I got into a fistfight my drunk cousin started with me and ended up with serious dental problems. He said he was sorry and his dad — my favourite uncle — paid my dentist bill in full to save our friendship. Too late.

How can I tell my cousin I forgive him? I can’t even stand being near him anymore and he makes me nervous. The friendship is gone for me, even though I know he’s really sorry. My family is bugging me to get over it. Why can’t I?

— Former Close Cousin, St. James

Dear Former Close Cousin: The body has its own sort of memory when it comes to danger. Sometimes your body can even wince unintentionally when somebody who has hurt you comes near. Your brain is basically telling you “Danger.”

Even though you think your cousin would never hurt you again, you don’t trust him on that gut level and are on high emotional alert.

Don’t feel guilty, though. This cousin lost the privilege of your friendship when he struck you violently. Tell him simply, “I just can’t be friends with you anymore,” and don’t preface it with, “I’m sorry.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m a woman in my early 30s and have fallen in love with my former brother-in-law.

I’ve felt it for months, but I’ve kept our intimate relationship totally secret from my sister.

Now he and my sister have actually seen their divorce through — so enough pretending. I know he wants me badly, but I think he’s scared of what my sister would do if she found out. She’s possessive and hasn’t totally let him go, even after their divorce.

When they started going out together, they just stayed home and had sex, which he is very good at, I must say.

But then, after one pregnancy scare, they got married and their great sex life quickly fizzled out, according to both of them.

My sister confessed to me it was embarrassing that her husband was a “wannabe farmer.” Soon she realized she didn’t want the relationship with him — but I really do.

The cost is I could lose my only sister if I take her ex and marry him. He and I have never been open as a couple, and I’m so tired of hiding. What should I do?

— Stuck Sister, East St. Paul

Dear Stuck: Are you willing to take your romance with your sister’s ex slowly and secretly for a little while longer?

Once your sister meets a new man who suits her better, then it won’t be long until she won’t care about what her boring old ex is doing. Then her attitude to you and her former hubby getting together could turn out to be, “Whatever. You two country bumpkins deserve each other.”

However, for a while longer, she may need to feel she dumped the “loser.” So just roll your eyes and accept that, for now. Once she has a new love, hopefully more her type, she’ll get over your romantic situation with her ex.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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