‘Coping’ strategy shouldn’t involve ‘coupling’

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My wife came back to me and the kids again, vowing she’s off booze for good. She says she wants to be a better wife and mother. Ha, tell me another one!

The trouble is, I’d become weary between my job and doing all the work for our three difficult kids.

So when she called, begging for another chance, I said she could move back in if she was a good mother to the kids, cooked and cleaned for us all, and only if she took the spare bedroom.

I told her my private bedroom door on the third floor would be locked to her and she’d have to stay on the second floor until she proves she deserves to be trusted again. She said nothing in reply, but a few hours later a truck pulled up and she moved back in.

To be honest, I only took her back for the children, who were hurting and missing her badly — and were also getting in constant trouble at school.

Miss L., if she can stay off the liquor, get a decent job and be a good mother again, she could even get the whole house back — because I’d just give it to her and I’d move out!

But that isn’t in the deal, yet. The good thing is the children are happy with Mom back home, and I don’t want to mess that up.

Now here’s the most difficult part for me. I’ve recently met another woman at my “coping” meetings whose husband is also an alcoholic, and she doesn’t live with him anymore. She is everything I want in a woman, and really understands what I’m going through, having experienced it herself.

It’s gotten so complicated now, I don’t know what to do! It’s been so long since I’ve had a woman who loved me, and now I have two. Please advise.

— So Confused, St. James

Dear Confused: You really can’t be seeing another woman secretly right now! That would be completely undercutting your recovering wife’s notion you can become a family again — if she proves to be a good little cook and bottle washer.

If you truly want your wife to stay sober and be a loving mom to the kids, you need to work on becoming a kind and decent friend, lover and co-parent with her. Together and individually, go for couple’s counselling, to give that scenario every possible chance.

Also encourage your wife to connect with Alcoholics Anonymous to kick her drinking habit for good. You could attend Al-Anon meetings for people learning to deal with their loved ones’ addictions.

Then, if it doesn’t work and you finally split for good and you’re free, you might be able to get back to that new woman you like so much at your coping lessons — if she’ll take your call.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m going to graduation with my longtime boyfriend, even though I know he has his eye on someone else. It’s too late to break up with him at this point, but it irks me to know he’d rather be with another girl now. I have it from a reliable source he’s just waiting it out until graduation is over to break up with me. What a kick in the face!

I know the actual girl he likes, too, and when I run into her at school she can’t look me in the eye. So far, I’ve been keeping my mouth shut. I don’t want a last-minute breakup and no partner for grad. I deserve better than that, after two years with him. When would be the best time for the breakup?

— Need to Get It Right, Winnipeg

Dear Need: When the grad night event and after-party are over, and you’ve had a decent sleep, call your boyfriend to come over for a talk. Do the breaking up outside your home in his ride, so the family won’t see and hear anything — but not so far away you have to drive home afterwards. Nobody should be on the road with either of you two after you say adios.

Back home, call your closest friend and spill all your feelings to get it out. As for drowning your sorrows in booze, it’s highly overrated at any age. It may be tempting, but the best thing you can drink after a breakup is cold water. Why? You don’t want to end up drunk-dialling your very recent ex and sounding pathetic.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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