Nocturnal nudist may exult in the exposure

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I can’t stand any more of this sweaty weather and neither can my boyfriend. Lately he has been sleeping nude on the balcony of our highrise apartment from sunset to sun up, and then he’s back inside in front of a fan.

Yesterday, he got an unsigned lust note in our mailbox from somebody in a neighbouring building who has been spying on him with her binoculars and knows who he is.

I would like to respond with a sign out on the balcony telling her what she can do with her binoculars. What is your advice?

— Not Laughing, Winnipeg

Dear Not Laughing: Buy your beloved nudist a male bikini and hand it to him with a smile. If he isn’t willing to wear it, then the rest of the situation is up to him to resolve. Is there a chance he secretly likes titillating these neighbours he doesn’t know? Sure sounds like it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just got a backyard swimming pool and I’m in love with it — almost more than I could ever love anything not human. In fact, my favourite thing is to say “I love you, Mr. Pool” out loud and just float there. But today I heard from a neighbour that I have a peeper — the guy who owns the two-storey house across the back lane.

How do you handle a jerk like this? I can’t grow a leafy tree or privacy bushes all in one summer. I do have more inheritance money left and I plan to live here forever. Do you have any suggestions?

— New Pool Lady, Westwood

Dear Pool Lady: Using some of your inheritance, you could block this peeper’s line of sight and get some privacy back. Consult an architect to sketch ideas for a tall pool house that blocks the peeper’s view of your pool.

Along with disrupting sight lines, it would be useful for changing, lounging and as a spot for board games and picnicking when it rains. Then you’ll be in control and will only have to worry about how to have fun again.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m turning 31 and I’m what I call a multi-sexual woman.

I rented a cabin so I could get away from my messy and complicated love life in the city this summer. What precipitated the crisis was when I broke up with my long-term lesbian girlfriend in the city and had an amazing fling with a nice guy, starting at the beginning of May.

My question for you is how soon should I explain my open sexual nature to new people in my life, like this man?

— Cautious Multi-Sexual, West End

Dear Cautious: The big mistake is telling a promising new date too much, too soon — well before knowing if you can trust their discretion. But as time goes on and you find you can safely talk frankly, you can both open up about your sexual natures.

Just don’t blurt it out too soon or you may hear it coming back to you on the grapevine, with embellishments.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I really want a son, but she has gone through three difficult pregnancies and we have three beautiful daughters.

Should we just try to adopt a baby boy, even when we can still conceive? My wife is willing to look into adoption, and I am interested.

— Wondering, southern Manitoba

Dear Wondering: With your wife really not keen on going through another rough pregnancy and if neither of you have hangups about a child having to resemble you, then consider exploring adoption.

That way you can both relax and hopefully welcome a boy into the family.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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