Sometimes fantasies just don’t square up

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/10/2019 (2180 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend thinks it would heat up our our sex life if we chased each other around the house in a spanking scene that ends up with one or both of us, as she puts it, “getting it.” I know this springs from her explosive childhood, but I don’t have the same background. This idea does nothing for me. I have other fantasies which she won’t grant unless I do this with her. I just really can’t hit another person. Help!

— Non-Violent Nice Guy, St. James.

Dear Nice Guy: This is the wrong type of girlfriend for you. You need a romantic and not a daredevil with a taste for pain. This would be a good time to extricate yourself from this mismatch. Don’t call her down for her spanking desire, just let her know you need a different kind of sex partner. It’s not worth it to say anything needlessly insulting.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I spent a night drinking and playing cards at my younger sister’s house and, at the end, three of us were blotto and she went and passed out in bed. 

My drunk husband wanted to go home, but neither of us were allowed by my brother-in-law, who was sober. My husband went downstairs to the basement bedroom and ordered me to go with him and threw a meaningful look towards my brother-in-law, which I didn’t understand. I just ignored it. We heard my husband slam the bedroom door. 

So my brother-in-law pours himself a drink of pure, hard-alcohol and drinks it in one gulp — a four-ounce glass. He starts talking and laughing and suddenly he is pulling me out of the kitchen chair into a clinch. I went along with it for a minute, and then he started mauling me. 

I tried to scream, but his mouth was covering mine, so I kneed him in the groin and grabbed my coat and ran out of the house, and then got in the car and locked the doors. 

I phoned my husband’s cell and he came stumbling out. He let me drive home at 4 a.m. At home he said, “We’ll talk about this in the morning.”

Miss L., we haven’t talked about it since! Does he know? Does he not remember because he was so drunk? Will it ever come back to him? Should I say anything?

— Nervous Stomach, Windsor Park 

Dear Nervous: Yes, you should talk about it, as it is bothering you big time. Tell him what happened in detail. He may say, “I was waiting for you to tell me the story” or he may say “I can’t remember.”

It may come back in time. In the meantime your sister doesn’t know. Should you tell her? What do you do when you get invited over again? It’s interesting he made that decision and took a drink of hard liquor to go for you. That’s not sloppy-drunk stupid behaviour. That shows cold intent. Do you think your sister should know what her husband is like? I do! As a foursome partying together, you people are finished, but you might still turn up at bigger family events with more people around. 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I am sick and tired of everything to do with my immature young wife. We have only been married for three years, but she is lazy and quit her job right after we married. She hasn’t worked a day since, and I do all the cooking. I just found out she’s gambling in the afternoons with a buddy.

I told her I wanted a divorce and she said, “I don’t think so, because I just might be pregnant,” and she had a smart-ass look on her face.

I don’t believe she is, but she knows how to get me going sexually and she might try to make the lie come true. Then her free ride won’t end. We are both Catholic and don’t believe in abortion, but we are modern enough to believe in divorce. What should I do? What if she’s really pregnant?

— Wanting to Leave Her, South Waverley

Dear Wanting: You’ll have to stop having sex with her and ask to go to the drugstore to pick up some pregnancy tests. Make sure she does them with you and shows the results in your presence.

If she’s not shown to be pregnant after doing the test three times, you are very likely in the clear. In that case, you’d be smart to move out, since you’re not immune to her sexual charms.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m only partway into the teaching year as a graduated teacher. I really don’t like it. It is not the grade level I don’t like, I just don’t like the military structure, the bells ringing and all the rules and other stuff that surrounds teaching. I’m thinking of resigning for Christmas, but my parents are begging me to give it “a real chance.” 

I hate it. I feel like I may lose my sanity if forced to go beyond Christmas. I paid for my own education, so why am I listening to my parents?

— Sick to Death of Teaching

Dear Sick To Death: Put it to them this way: “I paid for a course of study and discovered I hate the practice of it. That is never going to change.” Then put in your resignation if you want to leave at Christmas, and give your principal a chance to get a new teacher in place. In the meantime, take a job that is easy for a few months and stabilize. Only then should you try to decide what new direction you need to take.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.