Time to own up to past and and apologize to ex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 02/01/2020 (2443 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve “gotten religion” thanks to my new girlfriend, and am a new believer in confession. I have a big problem — guilt. I think I should apologize to my ex-wife for being the cheating jerk I was during our marriage. I always denied it. I tried to make her feel like she was losing her mind, accusing me all the time. Basically, I tried to gaslight her.

In the end, when she said she was divorcing me, she said, “I have no proof, I never hired a detective, but I know in my heart that you cheated on me all the time, and kept telling me I was going crazy.” 

Would it be better or not, if I finally told her the truth now we are divorced, and it’s all over? My buddies say, “Don’t dig that up all over again.” My counsellor encourages me to confess. 

I feel guilty to the bone. What do you think? How far should I go? Should I confess every woman I slept with and lied about, and make a clean breast of it?

— Lying Dog, Transcona

Dear Lying Dog: She doesn’t need any more grief from you, but she does need  to hear you say she was right, and you cheated repeatedly. Do apologize for trying to make her think she was going crazy. Say how sorry you are for being so deceitful, but that’s it.

Don’t expect her to forgive you and don’t even ask for forgiveness. Just confess and get the truth out there. She may thank you for finally telling the truth, but she doesn’t even owe you that. So just give her a sincere apology, but not a list of names. Then leave the poor woman alone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I know I want to make changes in 2020. I’m a dumpy, insecure woman of 21 and I made the mistake of showing my growing list of resolutions to my good-looking female buddy, way back in early-December. She laughed in my face then.

I said, “Why would you try to discourage me from trying to be a better person?” She just laughed at me and said, “Because I like the imperfect person you are, and I don’t want you to show me up.”

I stayed awake again last night, once again thinking about that comment. Does she just need me as her sidekick — short and dumpy, and prone to forgetting things, and always saying stupid, awkward stuff, and swearing too much? Does she need me to make herself look good? 

I don’t want to be the person who walks in her shade. In fact, I’m really getting ticked, the more I think about it! I need to tell her off, but don’t know what to say. There I go — tongue-tied as usual — probably another weakness of mine she likes.

— Her Angry Sidekick, St. Vital

Dear Angry: She may or may not have been kidding. Perhaps she loves you as a pal, and was only ribbing you. But, it’s true that some insecure, good-looking women do pick people as friends who give them no competition whatsoever and make them feel better about themselves.  

Your many criticisms of yourself suggest to me you might want to invest in yourself in 2020, by going for counselling help and working out your insecurities. If this friend backs off from you because you’re making strides and she feels competition, then she’s a friend you’ll need to replace. You’ll know by her comments on your changes — either supportive or sarcastic remarks, possibly disguised with humour. Good luck with this.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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