Introspection can help break cycle

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 08/02/2020 (2393 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: When I was away on my winter holiday, I left my little group of women friends and went and stayed with a man I’ve visited secretly like this for a couple years. 

I met him my first year down with my friends, and fell for him so hard. I’m married up north, but this man I adore by the ocean is divorced. I go and stay at his place the whole holiday and have my cellphone with me in case my husband calls. 

As if! He has never called once when I’m away “with the girlfriends.” I think the girlfriends are a little jealous of my setup and have said they wish I’d spend some time with them — but they don’t like my husband either. 

My husband is not a nice man and has been so miserable and mean to me, and also rude to some of my women friends. They don’t seem to care If I sneak some time away from him. 

But something happened this year! When I came home, my husband had vacated our big house and left me a bunch of legal papers on the kitchen table.

Obviously, from what he says in the letter, he knew exactly what I was up to from the beginning. I don’t know why he chose this year to leave me, but I’m quite sure he has a new woman up here. He’d been acting so strange, and often away all night before I left. 

So the marriage is over! He suggests I “get my crazy head examined” on my own money. I don’t have much of my own — just a regular secretarial job and whatever I get out of the divorce. I agree I need help.

Without money for a shrink, I’m left to myself to try to figure out why I stayed with him so long. Am I so sick I like being treated poorly and cheated on? Is that what I think I deserve? I come from a dysfunctional family and saw nothing but grief between my parents. 

This man I married was very nice to me in the beginning and listened to my stories of woe very carefully. Was it a mistake to tell him how bad my family was and what we put up with? 

Why didn’t I just leave him after he started being mean and cold to me, instead of cheating on him?

— Don’t Understand Myself, Winnipeg

Dear Don’t Understand: Sometimes people repeat bad family patterns because they hope to bring a happy ending to the sad story they watched and endured over and over, as young people.

You shouldn’t take every penny to get yourself into counselling, but you should pay for some help from a psychologist so you can work through what you witnessed at home as a kid, and learn how to stop setting up the scenario as a repeat drama.  

A few years down the road, feeling much better and stronger, let’s hope you go to a different area of the world in the winter and enjoy a holiday with a new man or some nice friends, and not use it as a cover for an affair. You have to wonder which of these girlfriends got fed up and leaked the fact you were not with them, but playing a secret punishment game on your husband.

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: A person at work who sits near to me had something terrible-smelling in her purse. I couldn’t stand it! I left an unsigned note for her about it, and the next day the purse was gone, but I noticed her eyes were red-rimmed and she must have been crying a lot. She asked the girl next to me if she wrote the note, and she said no. I heard that interchange, but was too chicken to confess. Should I? I’m feeling horrible but don’t know what to say!

— The Culprit, Downtown Winnipeg

Dear Culprit: Yes, you should speak up now! It’s freaky and embarrassing to think someone who won’t identify themselves has written you such a note. And it’s a kind of torture for that poor lady to look at everyone and wonder who did it. 

So approach her and say, “I’m sorry. I wrote the note because I was too cowardly to tell you. I’m sorry my anonymous note has caused you so much pain.” 

Don’t ask what was in the purse and make it worse. It’s gone, and that’s what matters. You will feel less guilty after confessing, and she will feel less horrified. You really should have spoken to a supervisor who would have worked out what to do, diplomatically. 

 

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I want to go to a different province to attend university and I have to get my application in right away. I have very high marks and I know which school is best for me.

I’m an only child and my parents are going to be heart-broken about me moving. What should I do? I don’t want to hurt them. Please help!

 — Dying For The Opportunity To Go, River Heights

Dear Dying: Tell them now and give them a chance to be upset and get over the worst of it, knowing it’s your heart’s desire and that you have worked hard for the marks to do it. Tell then you’ll come home as often as possible and work in Manitoba over the long summers if you can. Good luck with this.

 

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.