Get on board for No. 4, but discuss future

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 19/04/2020 (2006 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I just found out my wife has something important going on she hasn’t told me about. She’s about four months pregnant and is keeping it a secret from me. She’s actually starting to get all the usual signs and a rounded tummy.

I told her I didn’t want any more kids (we have three already) and I knew she wanted more. So she just went ahead and got US pregnant. I don’t know how I feel about that. My strong no vote should have been a veto, but baby No. 4 is on the way.

I’m guessing the pregnancy happened on my birthday — the night she got me drunk on champagne — and I didn’t use any birth control. I’m sure she’s scared to tell me, but the truth is I got used to the idea in a week after figuring out what was happening, and I’m not all that mad. How should I proceed with this?

— Hello No. 4, Fort Garry

Dear Hello: Proceed with a smile! There’s no point in bawling your wife out at this point, and you’re not really mad anyway. And besides, you let yourself get bombed and chose not to use birth control. So give in to letting yourself be tricked, and to being OK with it. You might bring home some spring flowers and say, “So tell me, when is our new baby coming?”

If you really don’t want a fifth baby, tell her later you’re OK this time, but you might want to talk about a vasectomy down the road.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Our family is doing the right thing and staying at home during the COVID-19 pandemic. I made a list of things my kids could do at home. My 17-year-old daughter got on her phone — as I advised — but she did NOT get reacquainted with her long list of girlfriends since grade school. Oh no! She went and found herself a new hottie.

She is in her room with the door locked most of the time now. What could they be doing with all that giggling and sexy music? Yesterday she was having a bubble bath and I could hear her talking to him with splashing and giggling going on. Yes, I listened at the door, but the music made it difficult to hear their words. It got weirdly quiet at times — and sounded like monkey business to me!

In a way, I’m not too scared now because she’s perfectly safe in the house. But what kind of relationship will she have built up with this new guy when the time comes she can be with him in person, body to body?

I’m caught between a rock and hard place. She’s stopped being miserable and started being happy around here — but at what risk? I asked her about the new guy, and she said “Oh he’s just a guy I’m getting to know.” Right! What can I do about this?

— Worried Mom, Windsor Park

Dear Mom: Don’t be afraid to act like a mom — snoopy, caring, all that stuff. Ask his name, what he does for school and/or work, how old he is, where he lives. You have to know they’ve seen each other and maybe even met on a dating site like Tinder, where you decide if you like the look of a person’s photos before you choose to get to know them.

And phones have cameras, as you well know. Ask pleasantly if you can see him, too! She can pretend she doesn’t have a photo, but if she thinks he’s cute and is proud of him, she might show you. Then leave it alone that day. Grilling a teenager is often contentious, and then you hear nothing.

Of course you’re worried about what kind of sexy fantasy world these two are building, and the pressure one might feel to engage in sex in face-to-face times. But it might all fizzle — as so many online and telephone romances do — when two people finally meet in person.

At 17, your daughter is of an age to be dating, so you can’t get too starchy about this development. Plus, there’s not enough to do when confined to the house, so you need to take that into consideration. It’s a different world right now, with new rules, and we’re all just feeling things out. Good luck, mama!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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