Keep chatter work-related with jilted colleague

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This article was published 27/06/2020 (2289 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m friendly with a married woman at work and we started having regular social phone conversations once we were both working at home, because of the virus.

Her husband is back at work already, so she’s alone and phoned me a few days ago. She told me something really personal — that her husband had been having an affair in the last year and she’s afraid he’ll be back seeing that woman soon.

I asked her why she didn’t think he still visited his girlfriend during off-time from his workplace — and she went dead silent. After a few minutes of silence, she said, “It never occurred to me! How could you say something so cruel?” And then, she started crying.

I just said, “Look, this is obviously not my business. I have to go!”

We haven’t spoken since, and I’ll be going back to work in the office with her soon. I don’t know what to do. Should I try to call her and smooth this over before we go back in to work together?

— Big Mouth, North End

Dear Big Mouth: You can’t win by having further conversations about this with her, but it’d be best if you could send her an email saying, “So sorry I upset you. See you back at the office soon.”

Work relationships are so important you can’t afford to be at odds and not speaking, but any more personal conversations about her cheating husband are a bad idea. She’s understandably touchy and certainly doesn’t want to hear anything except, maybe, “You poor thing.”

Perhaps distancing is a good thing. You won’t have to worry about her steering topics of conversation that way at work. In fact, she might stay clear of you totally, outside of asking you not to tell anyone else her secret.

If she does want to get friendly again, be work-friendly but don’t start back with calls between you at home, even if she wants that. She may ask why and you might say, “Oh, sorry! Last time we talked about something personal, I put my foot in it, and I can’t take that chance again.”

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife is a bossy woman. I don’t mind it outside the bedroom. In fact, I kid her about it, calling her Bossy Boots, and she laughs. Why is that funny? In the bedroom, she knows I’m the boss. In fact, I am the dominant and she plays the role of submissive. But last weekend — perhaps because we’ve been home alone for so long — there was a revolt. She said it was her turn to be the dominant one.

I love this woman like mad, so I said, like a good sport, “OK, why not? Tell me what you want me to do.” To my surprise, she had a costume in the closet, brought out “props” and knew exactly how to conduct an expert scene.

I suspect this was not her first rodeo! She certainly wasn’t copying my style. I am dying of curiosity, and, OK, I’m jealous too. How do I ask her where she got this experience?

— Jealous Guy, Sage Creek

Dear Jealous: You don’t ask her. I’ll bet she doesn’t want to hear all about your past sex life before you met her. Married people don’t need to know everything that went on before they became a couple, particularly details about sex with earlier lovers. That kind of knowledge just causes jealousy and hurt feelings and you already feel some of that. So, bite your lip, and leave it alone.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: We paid people to look after our cottage during the winter and there were telltale signs they’d used it themselves. The place was clean, but there were different sheets on the beds. I left on all the striped blue ones on the last day of the season.

The fireplace had lots of wood but not the same way my husband piled it, and the ashes were stirred differently. There were other signs. In fact, somebody left a manicure set and polish under the bed. There were many other little things different, too.

I don’t know how we approach the people who looked after the cottage for us. They seemed so nice. Please help!

— Upset Cottagers, Winnipeg

Dear Upset: It may not have been them, but you have to tell them you noticed somebody used it on their watch. If they ask for proof, you tell them exactly what you noticed, and watch their faces closely.

It may have been them, or somebody who knows you well — actually anybody close to your family who knew where a hidden key might be. Do you have grown children? Be careful how you go about dealing with this. You might ask “the kids” first (if you have them) before you accuse the caretakers.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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