You’re ‘golfing’ solo now, so get professional help

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 03/07/2020 (2283 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I recently came home from “golfing,” not knowing there was going to be an ambush. I thought I had my wife fooled about my side-chick, but I forgot her hair is a different length and colour.

My wife said a cool hello, picked three long, dark-red hairs off my golf jacket, laid them on a white Kleenex and said, “Look at these — red is not my colour. There’s also the smell of a woman’s perfume! I knew something was going on. I’m pretty sure I know who it is.” And she offered up the right name.

My mouth opened and shut like a fish. I was caught. My best friend — a recently graduated lawyer — advises friends to shut up and call a lawyer, like him, if they ever get caught in deep doo-doo. So I walked out fast, said nothing, got in my car, went to a park and called my lawyer buddy.

To my shock and disappointment, he said, “I’m with my family and can’t chat right now. Phone me about ‘golf’ at 8 a.m. tomorrow and make an appointment.” “Golf” is the codename for my girlfriend we use in front of his wife.

I went home, and slept in the basement.

I got up and was shocked to see my wife had already moved out during the night — all her clothes were gone, just hangers left. She didn’t leave a note — just went home to live with her parents.

She won’t take my calls. I thought maybe we could be friends.

Her dad is paying for an experienced lawyer, so I expect to get hosed. I never did see my so-called lawyer friend. My wife called my girlfriend, who is also finished with me.

I’m depressed and unable to make the moves necessary to save what I can from the house. Please help. — Useless Wreck, Transcona

Dear Wreck: Your wife gave you the stability that allowed you to fool around and have secrets with your buddy, like the joking code name “golf.” It was like sneaking around behind your mom’s back. You had a home, and even if the woman you married was boring, or not very sexual with you, it was grounding for you.

Now you need to find grounding within yourself, and that means seeing a good psychologist or relationship counsellor, and an experienced lawyer.

Take comfort in the fact you got what you wanted but were scared to ask for: freedom. You’re a young guy and the marriage was not working for you.

Now you have total freedom, and you’ll have a second chance at making a better relationship with someone else down the road.

You need to take some time off from dating to grow up. Start by recognizing you have a second chance, and make the most of it.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: This is for Lone Adventure Cyclist, who had a wolf come right out in the clearing and size her up when she had stopped to camp and make dinner. She wondered if it was a sign from the universe.

I would be more concerned the wolf was sizing me up for dinner, rather than if it was some kind of cosmic symbol. It could have been a member of a pack the cyclist didn’t see. She should Google “Do wolves live alone?” which is seldom, it seems. Wolves are pack animals.

A neighbour of mine went hunting with a friend. They separated, and when the neighbour returned the partner was surrounded by a large pack of wolves, and his rifle was jammed. Fortunately, the pack dispersed when the returning hunter fired some shots, and no one was hurt. — M.Y., Selkirk 

Dear M.Y.: Luckily this wolf and his hidden pack were not particularly hungry for one female bicyclist — those cyclists tend to be lean. A wolf and his pack would do better with some yummy cattle, or a moose.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography