Man of inaction needs deadline incentive

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This article was published 19/07/2021 (1850 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The man I recently married is a serious procrastinator. I knew this before I married him and thought it balanced my spontaneity, but it’s turned into a bad thing!

We missed out this week on renting a great cabin because he didn’t get our deposit in on time. I’d already given him my half! I had a cry and my kids from my first marriage are still upset.

My new husband seems to take pride in acting like he’s calling the shots — except he can’t think or move fast enough to call them. Everything that needs a decision takes so long, whether it’s ordering food at a drive-thru, going to a party, selecting furniture, anything! I’m frustrated beyond words!

He says I’m acting more and more “dominant.” We are in our early 40s, so I can’t see him changing his weakness. Any suggestions for this mess? — Storm Clouds Gathering, River Heights

Dear Storm Clouds: Before you married, you two balanced things out with a little more power on your side. Now your new husband wants final word. You are naturally strong and decisive, and that’s not going to change. In fact, you two are going to have to work out a 50-50 deal on decisions as double heads of the family, but when a decision involves your kids’ happiness, you should have more of a role than that.

On regular decisions, you can take turns, always with a deadline, and if one of you misses it, the other get to decide. Since Hubby lost this cabin rental, in all fairness you should be the one to nail down another cabin you want and plunk down the deposit with his half in your hand. This is fair to you and the kids. Summer’s so short and you need to enjoy it as a family.

In the fall, consider some relationship counselling with your husband over power issues and procrastination.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I was up at the lake, alone with the kids. My husband goes home Sunday nights to work and comes back Friday afternoons. Our half-grown kids bicker a lot. Last week they were so awful, and it was so hot, I drove home Wednesday night for some air conditioning, swims in the pool and evenings with my hubby.

When we arrived home, I spotted something suspicious — my girlfriend’s new red car! She’s always liked my husband a little too much. I drove around the block, phoned him until he picked up, and said: “I’m home with the kids and we’re going to be in the driveway in five minutes. Get her out!”

I lied. I was actually parked a few lengths behind her car, so I waited. I saw her come running out, jump in her car and take off. She saw me right behind her in her mirror. I honked loud and long. Then I parked in my driveway, and left the kids in the car.

The table was set for two, and two steaks were burning on the barbecue. There were glasses of wine beside the lawn chairs, and wet towels — because they’d already had a swim.

I started crying and yelling. Then I told him to go to a hotel so I could get control of myself and look after the kids. While he was leaving out the back, I went out and got our children.

Now he’s calling me incessantly, saying he was just lonely and didn’t do anything with her, and is begging me to forgive him. What garbage!

I don’t want our family blown apart, but I don’t trust him to be home while we’re at the lake. If I do not break up with him, will I have to be his constant overseer? — Broken Trust, Broken Heart, Winnipeg

Dear Broken: You’re going to be miserable at the lake, where you can’t watch your straying husband.

So, stay home for a week or two, and get emergency marriage counselling. Then go back to the lake with your husband and the kids for a week or so, and then go back to the city when he does, for more counselling in August.

Since it seems you two can afford it, go for help more than once a week — once as a couple and each of you privately.

Maybe you won’t be able to repair this, but for the sake of the kids you share and the love you once had, give it your best try.

As for the “friend” who was happily trying to poach your husband, don’t let her get away scot-free! Get on your high horse, call her up when no one’s home at your place and let her have it!

Give her a fright and a show of might. Don’t ask any questions, or give her a chance to criticize you as a wife, and no crying! Just get what you need to say out — in a loud and proud voice.

Warn her away from your husband and family, and hang up in her ear. This is not a polite two-way conversation.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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