Tit-for-tat slapping no ‘game’ in light of violent past

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 07/08/2022 (1489 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I slapped my boyfriend across the face and he slapped me back harder. He says he will not see me again as he does not want to be “induced to return the violence.” His mother used to be a face-slapper.

I don’t think slapping is such a big deal. It’s better than totally beating somebody up. Why is he making such a big deal out of this? Now he won’t even take my calls.

— Don’t Get It, St. James

Dear Don’t Get It: A slap across the face is highly personal and deeply insulting. It also puts the aggressor’s face in line for a return slap.

When this guy was a boy, he could not afford to slap his mother back or he’d probably be beaten further by her and/or his father.

Understandably, he doesn’t want anything to do with another face-slapper. He also carries past anger from his mother doing it to him when he was a boy and couldn’t defend himself.

You are problematic for him. You already knew this information about his past, and slapped him anyway thinking you could get away with it. You need counselling around this issue of violence, as does he. What you don’t need is more of each other.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My boyfriend of just over a year has accused me of getting pregnant just so he’d stay with me. When I told him “we’re pregnant” he stood up and yelled that I was trying to trap him into staying with me, and that was never going to happen!

He went on to say he has bigger and better plans in his future — and me and a baby were never part of it.

My heart is breaking and my head is spinning. I’m so confused, and don’t know what to do. I haven’t told anyone. All I know is I’m not going to abort. I’m 19 years old and live at home and I am Catholic. The father of the baby is 21.

— Broken-hearted and Pregnant, West End

Dear Broken-hearted: There is a fair bit of help for woman in your position in this province. Check out the Unplanned and Crisis Pregnancy website (pregnancywinnipeg.com), which lists all different kinds of help available to you.

Women’s Health Clinic (womenshealthclinic.org) is also a good place to start as it’s staffed by women, and they offer many services including counselling, and they’re open both in the day and during the evening.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: After I was widowed and ready for another relationship, just like your letter writer “Shocked by his Trickery,” I met with a “morbidly obese man.”

I set out to meet this mystery man with whom I’d been corresponding, briefly. Neither of us had exchanged pictures, and he didn’t even know my name. We arranged a lunch date.

I arrived early. I watched him come in the door — a very tall, large man. After introducing himself, he almost immediately said that when he had tried some of these dates, the women looked at him, and that was the end of the date.

What I noticed immediately were his beautiful mouth and eyes. We had an interesting conversation, but afterwards, I had to decide if I would go on a second date. I decided to live by my beliefs of inclusion, and that extended to weight issues.

We developed a beautiful relationship which lasted seven years, until he died recently. He was a warm, kind, gentle, loving person who gave me all the hugs and kisses I wanted. The romance was out of a Harlequin novel. I treasure every minute we had together.

The writer “Shocked” left in a hurry. This was disrespectful behaviour in any circumstance. We should treat everyone with respect even when a second date isn’t anticipated. How does one raise the issue of the person having misrepresented themselves and then exit politely?

— F.A., Winnipeg

Dear F.A.: “Shocked by his Trickery” ran from a man who’d sent her a blatantly false representation of himself — a picture from 10-15 years ago when he looked totally different. The only thing she could recognize was his hair.

When a first date has been flagrantly lied to — whether with words or a photo — the mind’s protective instinct sends out a “can’t trust” warning signal followed by “get away.“ “Shocked” was right to obey those instincts. She didn’t owe it to her date to stay and try to be polite.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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