Don’t blow off pleas about work-love balance

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This article was published 09/08/2022 (1462 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: Owning my own business has always been a dream of mine and yes, I’m working roughly 16 hours a day, because I’m just getting started.

My husband will not stop complaining about how much time I spend working. He says he feels like I’m slowly pulling away from our family, because most evenings I’m on my phone or computer trying to make things work out. That’s what happens when you start up a new business!

Our college kids are in their late teens with summer jobs. They don’t miss me one bit, and the complaint is really all about my husband and his needs. Sex is the last thing I have time for. How do I convince my husband things will be OK, and that it won’t always be this way?

— Super-busy Wife, Tuxedo

Dear Super-busy: Most guys don’t whine about their sex life until things get really bad. And sadly, after several years with most busy couples, sex doesn’t tend to take more than half an hour, unless it’s a big occasion. Do you really not have any time for your man?

Can you afford to lose him? Let’s look at it in a business-like way. Consider some loving attention from you as an investment in the peaceful marriage you need, in order to grow your new business.

A marriage and family that ends up in trouble can seriously distract you from work. If possible, hire a part-time worker and cut back from working 16 hours days and just put in 10.

What you have now is a disaster waiting to happen, and he’s warning you repeatedly. Could it be there’s someone waiting in the wings?

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I really want to ask out this guy at work, but have been too shy. He’s absolutely gorgeous, and funny! As a woman, I’ve always felt I’m supposed to wait for men to ask me out. To be honest, I’m sick of waiting. I’m 30, and feel like if I wait for this guy to ask me out, it may never happen.

I also know he’s a smart guy, and likely thinks it’s safer not to ask someone out at work, but I figure I should at least try. Let me be a gambler for once in my life! How do I do this without looking like an idiot?

— His Workmate, Downtown

Dear Workmate: Some people have a “bright light” work personality that’s quite different from their private personality. Ask this guy to “grab lunch” with you at the last minute. See if you actually like him when he’s away from the work crowd.

Also, casually ask if he has a partner — and let’s hope he does. Why? Because workplace romances are frowned on by management and co-workers for good reason. Intimate issues can drift into work situations very easily, and it messes up the power and communication structure.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work in a trade where I hear racist things all the time, and it’s driving me crazy. I’m a white guy of 29. It seems like it doesn’t matter what the background is, these ignorant young guys seem to think if everyone is mostly white on a job site, they can say what they want.

I say “mostly” because sometimes they say these things in front of people who are not white! Last time that happened, I spoke up and they made fun of me. My parents are kind of racist themselves, so I don’t have anyone to really ask for advice. How do people handle these kinds of situations?

I’m not physically afraid of these racist twits I work with, but it just gets very uncomfortable.

— Blue-collar, Non-racist Guy, Winnipeg

Dear Non-Racist: A simple putdown for these guys would be a loud “Not cool!” from you when they do it. It’s not a lecture, but it gets the message across.

However, since these guys razzed you and got away with it last time, you may need to speak directly to someone with real power about the workplace racism you’re witnessing. Your immediate bosses are clearly not stopping it, or else it’s being hidden from them and they need to hear about it.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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