Time for a solo break to find your own groove
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DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in lust/love with a musician again, and I’m so messed up. We usually spend four afternoons a week together in his bedroom or mine making love, or at the beach. He plays or practises at night with his band. Last night I went to hear him play in front of a crowd. He was great.
The women just love him. I rarely ever go his shows as it hurts to see them trying to hit on him. I know he’s not always true to me.
Today, he shocked me by saying he wanted to take our relationship to a new level, “because I’m so understanding of musicians.” I was driving us both, as well as helping to haul his equipment. I felt my foot suddenly slam on the brakes.
I’m not stupid and I’ve had therapy. It was an automatic protective reaction, right? My dad was a musician who cheated on my mom, and I’ve had relationships with musicians before. As soon as it gets romantic and I invest, then I’m the one who gets hurt and badly too, so now I don’t do that.
I told him that, and he said, “Not this time, because you’re with me.” As if he’s any different! He’s good-looking, rebellious and a great musician, and he’s already cheated on me.
I’m actually a better player and singer than he is, though I haven’t had a band for some time. I used to be a good band leader too. I always dreamed of going all the way and getting famous, but I was too young then, and I gave up. I don’t have any kids and don’t want to have that kind of a family. I know he could really go somewhere with his band — and leave me behind.
— Should I Run from Him? Winnipeg
Dear Should I Run: This new guy is smooth — and bad news. He actually complimented you for “being understanding of musicians.” Besides seeing him in the afternoon for sex and helping him schlep his equipment, that means not making any demands of faithfulness, not hanging around when his band plays, and looking the other way when he’s missing all night.
You forget that you are the better musician, and could go further than he does, leading your own band. So, now that you’ve had some therapy, your brain is stepping on the brakes for you and stopping you from repeating a bad old pattern. It’s time to accept you’re also a talented musician from a musical family and you love performing. It’s time to form your own band, instead of being the plaything of this disrespectful man.
This guy may ask you to join his band to keep you around. Resist the temptation. Don’t take a back seat in his or anybody else’s band now. This is your time to step into the limelight and create your own success story. Consider getting a little more therapy along the way, and go for the gusto.
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’m constantly being teased by my wife about the noises my gut makes and the resulting flatulence. I’m forever passing gas, and she is not sympathetic. I tell her it’s a normal thing for guys, and she just snorts — one of her own annoying repertoire of noises. She’s insisting I see a doctor, but I thinks she just needs to chill out and accept she’s married to a normal man.
— Get Used to it! Downtown
Dear Get Used To It: Passing gas here and there is normal for both sexes, but when it becomes an endless barrage of noise and disgusting odours, your body is trying to alert you there’s something wrong. Don’t risk your health by ignoring symptoms of a problem. See your doctor and get the help you need, ASAP. By the way, getting your gut in order will improve your romantic appeal and your sex life. Why wouldn’t you want that?
Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My sister’s husband passed away a year ago, leaving her alone to raise the little ones. His friend started to come around and give her support, spending hours helping her with household and yard work. Problem is, he’s married with a family of his own.
My sister confided in me that things have turned romantic, and he wants to leave his family to be with her. I wish she hadn’t told me! I know she’s lonely and misses her husband, but to destroy another family, what is she thinking?
Help me get through to her before it’s too late. She has no idea of the hell this is going to create for everyone.
— Sickened by Disaster Ahead, suburban Winnipeg
Dear Sickened: You can speak your piece, but step lightly. Just point out what your sister can’t see down the path. What seems romantic now with her shining knight, will change in a hurry when their affair comes to light — and even more so when he moves in. She will be the wicked stepmother (according his kids’ mother), and those children will hear the painful, angry feelings of their mom’s suffering from the betrayal. The kids will take it out on your sister, if they can.
Sir Galahad will become the father who left his own children behind, and he may not be able to see them very much. His wife will despise the woman he cheated with, and have conflicted feelings towards her husband. She may put on a campaign to get him back — and perhaps succeed.
The hardest thing for your sister to feel, as a widow who’s been receiving a lot of sympathy, will be the hatred from the man’s ex-wife and her own family’s disapproval. Is she ready for that? You can at least warn her, but watch your words, or she may just push you away!
Please send your questions and comments to email@example.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.
Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.
Updated on Monday, August 15, 2022 9:04 AM CDT: Fixes byline