No need to justify ‘single-minded’ approach

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This article was published 21/08/2022 (1501 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I know you usually get letters about people having sex and coping with the issues it sparks, but I have the opposite problem. I don’t care about sex anymore. I’m in my mid-20s and work a lot of hours, and quite frankly, I’ve had my little heart shattered a few times.

I don’t care about “getting laid” anymore, and I don’t care about dating. My family always bugs me about being single and, to be honest, I don’t really care now. My mom thinks something is wrong with me. Is there?

— Am I Asexual? North End

Dear Am I Asexual? If you’d like a label to define you, then “Fed Up and Taking a Break” is more accurate, and more positive. Being “asexual” is a much different situation. Your problem is not about disliking sex; it’s about disliking the people you’ve had sex with. You don’t want to hazard another bad relationship right now, so stay single for as long as you want, but don’t brand yourself sexually. Your sex life or lack of it, is nobody’s business.

Think about this: Why are you expending your energy working too many hours? Start including nature, pets, sunshine, sports, music, arts and adventure in your off hours. This will fuel you up after a work week, and you will attract better people than at the bars.

Finally, don’t let people like your mother pressure you into dating somebody just for the sake of dating. Stand up and say what you really feel: “I’m here on Earth to enjoy my life, and right now I’m single and happy with it.” Most moms just want to know their kids are feeling good.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I’ve been dating a guy I thought was a carefree, relaxed person. He has proven to be the absolute worst partner I’ve ever had!

We’ve been together for a few months and he’s already made a scene in three different places about me looking at other guys. He’s accused me of talking to my ex twice, and the other night he cancelled our dinner plans after he saw I’d commented on a guy’s Facebook profile — an old elementary school friend posted a new profile picture, and I said he looked happy!

This always happens to me with guys. Why?

— Set Me Free, St. James

Dear Set Me Free: How did this man get to make a jealous scene with you three different times? He’s not a young child. He’s a full-grown man, and needed to be dismissed from your life the first time. Then how did this same man get to accuse you of “talking to your ex,” twice? He doesn’t own you. Finally, how did he get away with cancelling even one dinner, because he saw you commented on some guy’s Facebook profile — an old schoolmate at that?

Why did you let him get away with repeated bad behaviour — at least a half dozen misdemeanours? He should have been out of your life after the first big mistake. Word gets around as to what a person will tolerate. Get rid of this guy, make some rules and start on your way to being a woman with pride.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My girlfriend broke up with me six long months ago, and I haven’t been able to get over her. I keep seeing her face in other women. Every time I’ve gone on a date with another woman, I sit there and listen to them talk while missing my ex. She refuses to talk to me, and my family is now starting to worry about my mental health. Is there hope for me?

— Sad and Solo, Crescentwood

Dear Sad and Solo: You may be a prisoner of the idea that there is only one real love for every person. If that were true, everyone would have to stick with their first love, and what a disaster that would be!

People often “grow out of” first, second and third loves, and pick longer-lasting better-quality loves as they mature and both people have more to offer. Give yourself a chance to do that!

Take your heart and emotions in for a check-up. A relationship counsellor can analyze what went wrong, and help you turn that around in your life. Something went wrong, and you made yourself very unpopular within the relationship. That doesn’t make you mentally ill, but you do need to assess the problem and learn from an expert how to process a breakup, let it go and move on to something better.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

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