Honest reckoning will help you both move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 18/09/2022 (1465 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I learned something big about myself this summer. Although I’m a woman who was married to a man for more than 20 years and raised three kids, I actually prefer the company of women now — for companionship and romance.

I worked a second job all summer and got to know some lesbian and bisexual women. They were so much fun, and unabashedly themselves. I was suddenly in heaven and fit right in.

Around men, I’m always apologizing for being so strong and more adept building things. “Why don’t you just let me do that?” my husband and brothers-in-law always say.

I started saying to them, “Why bother, when I’m as strong as you, and I prefer to do it myself?” Last year my husband told me in exasperation that I had started “acting like a guy.”

I just get so tired of trying to be less strong and capable and rowdy and funny. I gave up finally, and found a great new group to hang with! Now it’s autumn, and I’m ready to make some big changes. I don’t have a female partner yet, but I do have new female friends, and I have my eye on one special person.

How do I tell my husband and father of my children (and a good guy, all-round) that I want out of my marriage and want a lady love? Please don’t take me for being insensitive or unkind. He loves me deeply, and I know he will be gutted.

— Looking for the Right Words, St. James

Dear Looking: He needs to know the history of this evolution — how you grew apart, and when things changed. He’ll want to know how you felt when you married him, and how long your love for him was strong and real.

You also need to tell him that things went quite well during the many years you were raising kids together, but then you need to talk about your growing discomfort with your roles in life, the new female friends you have made, and the first inklings you had that your love life could be different.

In other words, he needs to know how long the romantic love with him was strong and real, and when things started to change. He needs to know you weren’t gritting your teeth and faking it with him all those years, wishing you were with a woman. Give him that timeline. Let him understand as best he can, how you felt then, and now.

Reassure him that this change is not about him, that he’s a good man and father, and that you’ll always care for him and be grateful for the good years you had together.

Then set him free, and start to live your truth.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Your reply to ‘So Fed Up With Loser’ was off the mark. (A young woman complained her 14-year-old neighbour watched her from an upstairs window as she swam in her backyard pool. —Miss L.) Your response completely minimized and trivialized her valid concerns.

Why should she have to continue feeling uncomfortable so he doesn’t get humiliated for being called out on his inappropriate behaviour? You hope he will mature in a year, but what if he doesn’t? How long should a woman endure that kind of behaviour, and how long should it be excused for a young man? By the way, 14 is old enough to know better and be responsible for your actions.

These “boys” grow up into men and when they do not learn to respect others, the cycle of harassment in relationships, workplaces and the public just continues.

We all have crushes as children; that’s totally healthy and normal. But, when our behaviour starts to be borderline creepy and obtrusive, it’s time for a lesson on what is acceptable and unacceptable. There’s a valuable teachable moment here and ignoring his behaviour is the wrong approach.

— How not to be a Future Creep 101, Winnipeg

Dear How not to be a Future Creep: A 14-year-old boy looks out his upstairs window and sees a young woman diving into her parents’ pool next door. What teenage guy could hide his eyes or make himself walk away from that window? The female diver actually admitted the kid wasn’t doing anything weird in the window, just looking.

She also complained the young guy sometimes rang her doorbell this summer, to try to strike up a conversation. That’s not creepy or furtive behaviour. The kid next door just had a big, dumb crushes. Thank goodness summer is over. Now, he’s back to school where there are lots of girls his age around him.

If that older neighbour girl were to label him a weirdo or creep to his parents and anybody else who would listen — he could also be harmed. This dive-watching was not budding sicko behaviour, as you infer, and he does not need to be labelled that way.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

   Read full biography

Miss Lonelyhearts
Advice Columnist

   Read full biography