There’s no going back to pre-affair marriage

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 20/03/2023 (1292 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: The love is not coming back into my marriage, now that my wife’s affair is over. She’s just come back home to live with me and our teenage kids. She’s buzzing around like it’s a new start and says she’s “feeling good about re-dedicating her whole self to me, the kids and the marriage.”

That flowery statement leaves me flat. Now she’s back home, it turns out my heart can’t be kick-started by her good intentions, real or fake, and my sexual desire for her is totally gone.

She told me she’s relieved her other relationship is over, and that she felt “imprisoned by her strange attachment” to that guy. I know more than she thinks I do. What she means by “strange” is kinky, and I have no sympathy for her choosing that lifestyle. Apparently, it wore itself out.

I’m “OK” since co-parenting with her again in recent weeks. That part feels almost normal, as we have many of the same child-raising values, but frankly, I don’t even want to sleep in the same bed with her anymore.

So what now? Do I tell her I’m willing to stay until the kids are up and out, but our sexual relationship is over for good? That’s four or five long years of being together and not sleeping together.

I think I just want out of this crazy situation with my wife now. I need help and I also need to ask this scary question: Will my rejection of her sexually send her running back to the weird guy?

— Marriage is Tanking Again, St. James

Dear Tanking Again: There’s no point in trying to fake a marriage for the sake of the kids for the next four or five years — that’s a long time, and they will see through it very soon.

The only thing left is to start living apart again, and be decent to each other and loving to your kids. Your wife may find another partner in the future, and you don’t know the kind of person she will choose. But as for whether your wife will go back to her affair partner, that’s not likely. She rejected him. Why not ask her why she felt she had to do that, and get to the truth of the situation? In a best-case scenario, he already has one or more new partners by now.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I just love to go out for drinks with my girlfriends. Unfortunately, I got “drunk and disorderly” last weekend and I got kicked out of the bar — just me, no one else! My friends were also drunk and dancing, but apparently I was yelling and falling down and accidentally ripped my skirt. I don’t remember much.

I do know I was crying when I got ushered out of the bar and sent home by the bouncer. Somehow he knew my name. How was that? I was mad, too, and told him off. It’s me and my friends’ favourite bar, and we spend a lot of money there!

The bouncer guy said to me at the door: “You have to leave now, and don’t come back in!” I don’t know if there’s a list of people who’ve been kicked out, but he actually knew my name.

Should I try again in a couple weeks, and only have a couple beers, or is it too soon? I don’t want to go to any other bar. My best friend left with me, to drive me home, but she preached at me all the way about my drinking.

— Needing My Bar Back, east Winnipeg

Dear Needing: When the bouncer escorted you out, there’d be security cameras in the areas by the doors. It’s likely security staff review videos featuring the faces and actions of badly-behaved patrons, and you are now a star in one of them.

The probable reason he knew your name is drinking patrons often get loud, and yell comments to each other over the volume of the music, preceded by “Hey…!” and their first names or nicknames.

It’s important you noted you “can’t remember too much” of that night. That’s a dangerous level of drinking for anybody of any age. Check out Alcoholics Anonymous (aamanitoba.org) and try to get a handle on how much you’re drinking these days.

If you’re in the danger zone, you have questions or you simply feel like you need their advice, give them a call at 204-942-0126. You don’t need to know what to say ahead of time. The person answering the phone will be patient and will help you with that.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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