Antitype OK for a fling, but not for a long-term thing

Opinion

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 25/03/2023 (928 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in my early 40s, no kids and recently divorced from a guy who “wasn’t sure” if he was straight or not. My new man is tall, muscular, about 275 pounds and a big, hairy bear!

He works in the city and goes out to the lake every weekend, including in winter. He loves to sleep with the windows open six inches at his cabin. Brrrr! In fairness, I must say he always gets a roaring fire going in the fireplace. After we make love on the big bed dragged in front of the fire, he rolls me up in a big outdoor-camping comforter. I feel like a hot dog in a bun!

He’s sweet, but not very romantic. He just laughs when I squeak about that issue, and says, “You’ll get used to me.”

I don’t want to be lonely anymore, but I’m all mixed up about my new man. When we’re in the city, I insist we stay at my modern house, not at his apartment. There’s not much cuddling or sweet talk. He does tell funny bedtime stories, usually about himself and his outdoor adventures. But he pretty quickly gets overheated from cuddling me, and lumbers off to sleep in another bedroom, where he snores like a grizzly bear.

Please help me figure this relationship out. Am I wasting my time and his, or maybe not? There’s nobody else around in my life.

— Half In, Half Out, St. Vital

Dear Half In: The fear of loneliness has gotten in the way of your sorting instincts. This man is fun, likes you a lot, and provides new experiences and much-needed company, but he’s not your kind of man for a long-term romance.

You’ve spent a lot of time with him this winter because he’s extremely masculine in his interests and lifestyle, and you couldn’t take any more sexual ambiguity, after your husband. However, it doesn’t sound like you’re feeling much besides gratitude for the fun, friendship and sex. Luckily, this outdoorsy bear of a man is not the last straight man on the planet.

If this guy is not smitten with you either, perhaps you could remain friends, but start looking for someone more suitable. To do that you’ll need to join groups where you’ll meet people, like volunteering to work for summer events and festivals like the Winnipeg Folk Festival or Folklorama. You might also join a sports club, whether it’s golf, tennis, adult dodgeball, pickleball or anything else. Staying home alone is not an option just now!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife has been looking at a new guy who’s been moving into the house next door with his two friends, and he couldn’t be friendlier. I think he’s already too chummy with my wife. Their house, like ours, also has a swimming pool.

“Just what we need, a party place next door!” I said to my wife. She reminded me we have a pool ourselves, but that’s different as we’re a “boring married couple.” She’s started quoting this guy — her new buddy — on all kinds of topics, and I think she’s developing a crush. I’m feeling annoyed already. What do you suggest?

— Uneasy Husband, Tuxedo

Dear Uneasy: Your biggest mistake would be to show jealousy. Your smartest move? Get to know the guy. Knock on his door, and offer your help as a neighbour. Don’t drop any snarky comments about his leaving your beautiful wife alone (even if you get the urge to do so “jokingly”) or you won’t be friends for long. That’s a more dangerous situation than being buddies.

The best way to affair-proof a marriage is to make it loving, playful and fun. So, bring home flowers, pay your wife compliments, buy tickets to events for you two and be the kind of husband she can brag about.

“No way I could keep up with that guy!” is the kind of feeling you want to invoke in other guys checking out your wife.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: Do you think I should keep my new raise to myself? I haven’t told my partner because I don’t want him to feel bad. I also don’t want to be sneaky! I’d like him to know we could afford some extra things, such as travel to Europe, but he might feel embarrassed he couldn’t chip in. Should I tell him?

— First Salary Increase, North End

Dear Increase: Don’t be secretive. You might put that extra money into savings or investments and keep chipping in the same amount for the household expenses — if that feels better to him. If he isn’t put off by the difference in pay, celebrate it together, and discuss what all you could do with it, together.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.