Judgy reaction to fantasy calls for discussion, reset

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This article was published 02/04/2023 (1272 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My husband recently made me feel really embarrassed and insecure about sex with him, after we had a conversation at his insistence about his boredom. He told me he wanted to try something new, so I took a deep breath, and told him about some bondage fantasies I’d like to try, with me as the dominant “Mistress X!”

He looked at me like I was a stranger, recoiled in disgust, and told me, “That’s not normal!” What? Now, here we are stuck in some kind of hell. He can hardly look at me, and I can see him for what he is — a big baby. Besides that, I feel tricked and betrayed by him.

I may want out, but we have teenage kids who will be living at home for a while yet, and I can’t leave. One thing is for sure, I don’t want to “sleep” with him anymore.

— Stung by a Viper, West Kildonan

Dear Stung: There are times in a relationship when sleeping together and sex are actually inappropriate. Right now, embarrassingly awkward sex is the last thing you two need. Instead, you need to make a deal to sleep apart for a couple of weeks, instead of lying on opposite sides of the bed, wide awake staring at the ceiling. You really need enough time to calm down and start missing each other after this fight.

A series of visits with an open-minded relationship counsellor to work out the mess of feelings between you would help a lot. Why? The shocking part is not that you brought up this kind of sex play but that it caused a surprisingly big explosion within your husband. Your husband panicked at the thought of playing the submissive, and that needs to be talked about. You may dig up some interesting truths. A counsellor may ask if your desire to play the dominant role comes from past sex play, or if it’s in reaction to too much time serving everyone in the family and your husband. Think about it ahead of time.

Your man doesn’t know what’s going on in your head, because he shut down the recent conversation too soon. You really need to talk about it again. In the end, there may even be some laughter. So much of creative sex is just playacting.

The good news is this is a storm you two can probably weather, with expert help. You’ve had a medium-long marriage, by modern standards. That’s a pretty good run so far.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: It’s like something in my boyfriend’s brain recently snapped or something. I’m 18, last birthday. My guy got into my phone and saw photos and videos of me dancing with a female co-worker and kissing her on the lips at a live-music show at a bar, and now he thinks I’m secretly involved with her.

OK, I did kiss her a few times, but we’d been drinking. Now he’s always looking over my shoulder when I use my phone, asking me who I’m texting. The other day, when I slipped out to the corner store, I came back and caught him looking at my Facebook conversations as I’d left my computer open. I hit the ceiling!

I feel like we had something so good before, but now it’s fading away. Is this salvageable or a waste of my time?

— Treated Like a Criminal, Osborne Village

Dear Treated Like a Criminal: This relationship may easily be saved, but you’ll need to talk to him about all your different feelings for him — and get a read-out on his feelings for you. Reveal where you both are on the “like-to-love” scale, and how much trust you feel with each other.

Then, reveal the tougher stuff: Are you attracted to both sexes, and he’s not? Do you want to be sexually close with girls sometimes and also be with him? Are you both wanting to be together for a long time? You need to talk about all these things, and then keep each other’s words private.

It’s often a temptation for people to tell all to their friends, but it can often unproductive (and even destructive) move.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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