Don’t get hopes up after chance encounter with ex

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 09/04/2023 (1228 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I innocently went to my dentist for an emergency appointment due to a raging toothache, after saying to the receptionist on the phone, “Please just give me any dentist! I don’t care if I can’t see my regular doctor.”

I drove there fast and they told me I was seeing a new dentist, but I was hurting so much I wasn’t really listening. I just bumbled into the room, climbed into the chair, and got bibbed and prepped for the onslaught. I hate going to the dentist, so I shut my eyes.

Then I heard a familiar voice initiating the doctor-patient chit-chat and saw it was my old boyfriend behind the mask. His eyes were twinkling with amusement. He asked me if wanted a different dentist, and I said, “Nah, just go for it!”

Now the worst has happened! I find myself wanting to see him again, but unfortunately, there’s nothing else wrong with my teeth. Actually, I’d rather not have him peering down my throat next time, but I need to see his face — and more. He was so cute peering over his mask!

Should I call him up at home? Awkward! What if he’s dating someone already? We only broke up because I moved away for university, but now I have a job back here. Still, I never called him when I got back to town. Now what? What if he’s dating someone?

I want to call him up right now! Please advise.

— Need to See Him Again, Winnipeg

Dear Needing: You want to see him socially? Look, flirting with your dentist is not like flirting at a bar or social event. It crosses professional lines for him. Secondly, you can’t call him up, unless there’s a problem with the tooth he worked on.

Plus, you seemed to forget all about him when you took off from the city and your relationship ended. Neither of you seemed to make any effort to get in contact over the years, so I wouldn’t hold my breath waiting for this dental professional to call you.

This is not a small town, so it’s probably best to find another guy to date. You may have to find someone who’s a lot like him, and if it’s the mask thing that excites you, just pull a couple out for some intimate fun. You probably have a few of them kicking around from the pandemic!

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: As soon as my young husband and I got married, he transferred all his affections and loving words to the animals we have. All he wanted from me was flat-out sex every single night, no buildup.

Before we got married, it was different. He was affectionate towards me. We rarely had intercourse for fear of me getting pregnant (he called it “knocked up”), which would have been embarrassing to his religious parents.

Now that we’re married, he just pets his dogs, but he treats me like a sex machine. There’s no affection preceding sex and he wants it every night. In fact, he demands sex by saying, “I’m your husband!” in a loud and nasty voice, like he’s getting ready to hit me.

I give in to sex, out of fear of what might happen if I don’t.

I am a young woman with normal needs for love and affection. Now I’m in the strange position of wishing I was one of the farm animals so I could get his affection, instead of being treated the way I am.

He scares me now! I don’t want to stay in this situation. I want to leave him but it’s not easy. Nobody knows what’s really going on. Please help me.

— No Affection, Winnipeg

Dear No Affection: It’s not easy to get support from friends and family when you’re keeping your husband’s nasty secrets. It’s time to share what’s going on with those who could protect you and help you make immediate preparations to leave.

Although your husband has not been physically violent yet, he yells and terrifies you into having sex. That’s domestic abuse, and it will escalate, the longer he gets away with it. Don’t keep this a secret any longer! Please reveal to your closest friend, trusted siblings or parents what’s actually going on.

The next step is to look for expert counselling and legal help. Check out gov.mb.ca/msw/fvpp/resources.html and domesticshelters.org/help/mb/winnipeg to find out what services and support groups are available for you.

You need to be somewhere you feel safe from even the threat of violence, so you can take steps to get yourself out of this marriage.

No doubt you will need and want counselling around this trauma, and if that goes well, you’ll be in better shape than you ever thought you would be again.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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