Gain some financial insight before taking big step

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This article was published 06/04/2023 (1266 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m an older man and back on the dating scene. The only trouble is, I’ve started seeing a woman I really like, and she really likes me, but she’s more “old school” than I am. She wants me to pay for everything!

I make good money, so it’s not a big deal when it’s movie tickets, dinner and lunches, but we started talking about living together recently, and she started hinting at me paying for her car, phone and clothes, like it was natural. I’m starting to see red flags. Does this stuff really matter? Am I being too picky?

— Not Made of Money! Garden City

Dear Not Made of Money: Yes, money stuff matters. In fact, money issues can be so ugly they destroy the good feelings in a relationship.

Encourage your lady to talk about her parents’ marriage, without you mentioning the money arrangement. (That will come out soon enough.) If it was an extreme situation — if her family was poor and her mom and dad struggled, or if her dad was very wealthy and paid for everything and everybody expected it — she will definitely be looking for a husband who’s well-heeled and generous with his money.

Even worse is a situation where a person’s parent had big money, but was tight-fisted, and the family suffered accordingly. If that’s the case, your lady friend will certainly be looking to weed out a similar type of suitor, and punt him in a hurry!

You need to find out about her financial issues as soon as possible, as the living-together talks have already started happening, and you may need to back off.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have an embarrassing sexual problem — I stutter when I get sexually excited. It sounds like I’m hesitant about the sex I’m involved in, when nothing could be further from the truth. I’m just turned on, and the stuttering, which I pretty much learned to control as a kid, comes rushing back.

As a result I go very quiet during sex, to try to control my speech problem. Bad move! My noisy new girlfriend asked me last night if I went quiet because I didn’t enjoy making love to her. She says she’s turned on by “hearing the words.” That’s the worst thing to expect from me — a smooth flow of hot words and phrases.

Does this mean I have to see a speech therapist again? I thought that was all over and done with. The thought of that upsets me to no end. Please help!

— Depressed at the Thought, Winnipeg

Dear Depressed: Stress is your enemy right now. You’re trying to hide the fact you have an old speech impediment that apparently can sneak back in certain situations. Talking about it openly with your new partner will ease some of the stress caused by hiding it. If your partner understands, with a little time you may both be able to stop being so embarrassed and relax more, whether in bed and out of it.

Maybe your girlfriend could be convinced to let loose and say the words she wants to hear herself, and you could encourage her. Also, play some background music, so the room isn’t uncomfortably quiet. In fact, medium-loud sexy music might be the answer to start reducing the fear and tension. If you can stop fearing your partner might react negatively, that will relieve much of the stress and improve the situation.

As for seeing a speech therapist, you should find a different one now you’re an adult, and do some sessions to learn different ways to combat your grown-up problems, such as this one. It could be a game-changer for your love life!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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