Generosity, not bitterness, can help you move on

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 12/04/2023 (1258 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: My love life is a double mess. I have a girlfriend who’s exerting all kinds of pressure to split up, and a dependent wife who’s nearing 60. My wife can’t support herself on her own, and she can’t get a job. She doesn’t cook — just eats sandwiches. She’s grouchy because of her real and imagined physical ailments, and hasn’t wanted sex (or even affection with me) for many years.

Why did I marry her? She was the most beautiful red-haired, green-eyed girl I had ever laid eyes on!

She came from a poor background. I was not very good-looking, but, I knew how to make money and inherited a very good business, early on. I felt sorry for her. In fact, I felt so protective of this beautiful woman who had no money and no future, I married her to save her. She just never grew up.

She has rarely had a job and wanted no “bratty kids.” She acts more like a teenager than a wife. She is not physically attracted to me. She does nothing to help me in life, not even cooking. She says she can’t work around the house because of her arthritis, which I admit is pretty bad.

Her real interest now is playing cards with her girlfriends. Then there are scratch tickets and TV.

I have had a hidden girlfriend for some years, who loves me and is attracted to me physically. Naturally, she wants me to split with my wife to get married to her. I would love to! I get nothing from my wife. Still, I can’t let my wife end up penniless in the gutter.

My girlfriend says my wife is a leech, and she’s right, I admit. I own a large business now, and have considerable money. Please advise me on what I can do.

— Stuck, River Heights

Dear Stuck: You deserve your freedom! Use some of your “considerable” money, to finally free yourself from your wife. It’s time to see a divorce lawyer and your accountant, to make a smart, creative plan for a divorce, one that will leave your wife comfortable for the rest of her days and you free to marry your girlfriend.

For interest’s sake, investigate assisted-living situations for older folks where your soon-to-be ex could eventually have a nice suite with healthy meals served to enjoy with new friends she’ll meet there. Since you’re well set-up financially, you could add a decent spending allowance. Why not set her up comfortably? Given your personality, the more generous you are, the freer you will feel in your new life.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My mother left me a gift to open once she passed away, so I did. It was a photo of me — as a baby — with her and my real father. Just the three of us! There’s so much love in that photo.

I didn’t feel that love growing up, because my bio-father died when I was very young. My mother quickly remarried and she and her new man also had kids together. I was the odd one out, as I was darker-skinned and looked like my “real father.”

I tried my best to please my living “father” but it didn’t work. I never went looking for my real dad’s relatives for fear of upsetting my new father, but I really want to go looking for them now that my mom is gone! Is It time?

— Can’t Stop Thinking About it, St. Boniface

Dear Can’t Stop: Yes, it is time. You’d hate to find out you were too late to get the whole story because you dragged your feet. Just be ready to accept the answers you get, and hope you can meet more close relatives. Start with your mom’s siblings — particularly the aunties — who often know a lot more than they tell to the next generation. That’s is, until there’s a situation like this.

Truth about one’s life is valuable. You may not like everything you find out, but you may see more photos of your bio-father, learn more about his personality and interests, and befriend some of your “new” relatives. That will feel so good.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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