Take your parents’ ‘old-world’ admonitions in stride

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This article was published 19/07/2023 (1172 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m livid! My immigrant parents recently told my girlfriend at the dinner table that she needed to gain weight before we have a child. First, we’ve only been dating for five months, so talking about babies was not appropriate at all. The fact they criticized her for being “a little stick” is also totally not OK. They haven’t even talked with me about the seriousness of our relationship together, or the possibility of kids yet.

I told them both off after I took my girlfriend home. My dad is hard-headed and won’t back down, and he won’t let my mom back down, either. My girlfriend took it all in stride and didn’t make a big deal out of it. In fact, she kind of laughed, but I’m furious, and I refuse to back down. I want an apology to her from them.

My parents are first-generation immigrants and their marriage was arranged, so to them, western dating is all a selfish farce. That’s still no excuse.

— Old-Country Interfering, Winnipeg

Dear Interfering: If your girlfriend is not upset and angry over this, why are you continuing the fight? Your old-world parents don’t have the same cultural frame of reference and your partner actually found it mildly amusing. So just let it go, for everybody’s sake.

You live in a different society than your folks grew up in and you will do what you want. So, who is this really hurting? You love your parents deep down, and you don’t want that to end just because they’re not “with it.” Also, consider this: your parents will love any grandchildren you produce more than any other people in the world. So don’t make the mistake of alienating your folks because they’re old-world! Learn to roll your eyes, and carry on like the rest of us did with our parents.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: The letter-writer Losing on All Fronts is caught in the abuse cycle. (This is the woman whose husband treats her like a servant, and he’s also having an affair. —Miss L.). Isolating a person from social support, as he does, is a sure step along the path to further abuse.

Your advice to get out, and get professional help, is spot on. Hopefully, the woman will extract herself and her children from the situation, before more damage is done. Counselling will help her to prevent a repeat of the experience.

— Recognizing The Pattern, Winnipeg

Dear Recognizing: Sadly, counselling is often overlooked due to a lack of funds, but this woman has supportive parents. Counselling is often the greatest gift anyone can give an “adult child” who’s been experiencing abuse at the hands of a partner.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts:Absolutely, the first thing Losing on All Fronts should do, before a call to Mom and Dad, is to get a lawyer. My advice to her? Don’t grab the kids and leave! Have your lawyer kick the husband’s butt to the curb! You do mention that on your list of things to do, but it should be the first thing done. Good luck.

— A Grandpa, Manitoba

Dear Grandpa: Good point. Delaying the lawyer by trying to sort it out with help from Mom and Dad, would give the husband more time to get his own lawyer in there fighting to get him the best possible deal. He is already cruel to his wife — isolating her and treating her like a servant. She is going to need a good lawyer, and fast. Hopefully, her folks can help with the legal costs.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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