Step back, reflect on all potential impacts of affair

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This article was published 17/08/2023 (1084 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’m in love with two men who are like day and night. One is in his 30s like me, and sweet, kind and sensible. He’s my husband and the father of our children. The other man is more than 20 years older — an amazing, charming man who’s creative, funny and the best lover. I wish I’d met him when he was younger.

The trouble is, I’m falling more deeply in love with this older man. He’s married, and I know I’m not his first side lover by a long stretch. I also know from his pattern that he won’t ever be leaving his wife. I’m not willing to break up my family either. So what should I do? I’m scared of getting caught and losing everything, but I can’t bear to lose my other love.

— Caught in Dangerous Affair, St. James

Dear Caught: What about trying to de-romanticize this cheating situation? Imagine getting caught in ugly detail, and then experiencing the breakup of your marriage and family. Picture the children you love sad, crying and even screaming at you. If some of your kids are old enough, imagine their disgust when they understand what you did to break the family up. Picture the hurt and disillusionment on their young faces.

Then try to picture your husband’s pain, grief and humiliation, and the kids overhearing your fights with him about the affair, and consider the price you’ll all pay. Perhaps there will be a divorce; perhaps they’ll lose their intact home.

And here’s the last bitter pill to swallow: You’re not your lover’s first affair, and if he’s true to his pattern, you won’t be his last. The good news is (if you can call it that), you may still have time to break it off, before anyone discovers your tryst.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: My wife and I were out for dinner, when a woman came to our table and sat down. She said, “Hi! Do you remember me?” Then she gave me her full name, slowly, and then I realized it was my best male friend from junior high. My mouth dropped open!

What? How could this be? We were best buddies, and we hung out and played on the same teams. We even liked the same girls! Then, in Grade 7, his family moved far away, and we lost contact. I awkwardly sat there looking at “her.” No words came out of my mouth.

I finally got up from the table, and left her sitting with my wife. I ran out to the car! My wife didn’t come out for a long time, and she was upset. I told her I felt blindsided and trapped in a public restaurant.

My wife, who imagines herself a social worker, keeps talking to me about the incident, and wants to invite her over, before she leaves town. I said, “Not ready! Maybe never will be!” The shock is still hitting me. What should I do?

— Messed-Up Head, Winnipeg

Dear Messed: It takes time to process a shocking incident, and this challenged everything you thought you knew about your relationship with your old buddy. If you run into old schoolmates who know your old buddy has transitioned to female, and comment about it, you just say, “Isn’t modern life full of surprises? I really wish her well.” If they’re rude enough to keep on gossiping, interject with, “I’m really not interested in talking behind an old friend’s back!” and change the subject. The conversation will end abruptly, and that’s just fine!

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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