Nursemaid, romantic mate incompatible roles for you

Hey there, time traveller!
This article was published 01/11/2023 (715 days ago), so information in it may no longer be current.

DEAR MISS LONELYHEARTS: I’ve been having panic attacks lately because of what I’m planning to do. I’m dating someone who was recently injured badly and I’m about to end the relationship. It’s not just how my partner will react that I’m worried about, but also friends and family.

We started dating before his accident happened, but ever since then I have not felt attracted to him in any way, and it’s not because of lack of sex. It’s because of the way he behaves.

He acts like I owe it to him be his unpaid nurse! I’ve tried for the last few months, but I just can’t continue. He complains endlessly and expects me to do personal things and medical tasks for him that I’m not trained to do — and don’t want to do.

We were together for a year before the accident, and I feel guilty, but at a certain point I have to look out for myself, right? What do I tell him? What about his parents and my family? They love him and they will be disappointed.

— Just Can’t do it Anymore, Winnipeg

Dear Can’t do it: You’d feel better, and so would your boyfriend and his family, if you researched some private nursing possibilities before saying anything. Then you can present this information to both your boyfriend and his folks.

Let them know you’re not prepared to keep on trying to play the role of a private nurse, but that it has not negatively impacted your relationship to the point where you need to break it off. His parents may understand this. Often, people who are in pain are crankiest with those who love them most. It may have been a great relief for his folks to have you struggling with their son’s home care and not them. But that’s about to end, so cushion the blow with the information and contacts for outside help. The parents and your boyfriend probably won’t take it well, but as you’ve entered into of a panic state over your nursemaid role, it’s a signal your body and mind are in serious distress, and you need to free yourself from a bad situation.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I work for a recently divorced guy who is constantly inviting staff to his house after work. If we don’t want to go, we get treated as if we aren’t going because we don’t like him.

He’s my immediate boss in his 40s. He seems to like the idea of hanging out with people in their 20s and 30s and it’s just tiresome. Frankly, it’s also unfair pressure. It’s at the point where I dread the end of a shift, because I know this idiot is going to pressure us to hang out afterwards.

I really like my job otherwise. What should I do?

— Just Wanna Work, Transcona

Dear Just Wanna Work: Being pressured to socialize outside of work hours is inappropriate, but it’s a tricky situation. You could take up something regular that needs attention after your shift ends, like helping your parents, attending to a pet’s needs or maybe a regular workout group.

Offering up fake excuses for not joining in can be risky if you’re caught out, but you have no obligation to socialize away from work with a pushy boss. If it becomes an uncomfortable situation or you feel the pressure is impacting your employment situation, you may have to approach your human resources department.

Dear Miss Lonelyhearts: I have a history of getting depressed in November and want to avoid it like the plague! Last year I had to go on pills during the dark season. I don’t want to do that this year. I have enough money to go on a winter sunshine holiday for only two weeks, so I need something else for the rest of the winter months.

— Scared of Another Dark Winter, Fort Garry

Dear Scared of Dark Winter: For many people, special lighting is the key. Talk to your physician about your struggle with Seasonal Affective Disorder (SAD) and make a plan with the doctor to beat it this year using every tactic you can. Therapeutic SAD lights are often a part of that. There are many brands on the market now, so peruse the consumer research and check out which ones work best.

Outdoor activities can also help bring more light into your winter, so this may be the year to get cross country skis, ice skates or a toboggan.

You might also talk to a psychologist, so your chances for a healthier, happier winter are better.

Squirrelling away for the cold months from November to March is hard on the mind and emotions for a lot of people. To get yourself out and about, sign up for some fun courses and activities.

Here’s a hot tip: Swimming pools with sunlight streaming in — such as the YMCA-YWCA on Fermor Avenue — have been a mood saver for some folks in winter, as it feels a bit like being on a tropical holiday.

Please send your questions and comments to lovecoach@hotmail.com or Miss Lonelyhearts c/o the Winnipeg Free Press, 1355 Mountain Ave., Winnipeg, MB, R2X 3B6.

Maureen Scurfield
Advice columnist

Maureen Scurfield writes the Miss Lonelyhearts advice column.

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